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Riverdale Report: Can We Just Focus On One Very Exciting Reveal, Please

By Kristy Puchko | TV Reviews | November 16, 2017 |

By Kristy Puchko | TV Reviews | November 16, 2017 |

With all the news of sexual misconduct, “Chapter Nineteen: Death Proof” felt especially timely. Last week, Cheryl Blossom dodged Nick St. Clair’s rape attempt with a little help from her friends. This week Riverdale dealt with some of its ugly aftermath.

You had Penelope Blossom competing for Worst Parent Ever (the local competition is stiff) by taking hush money from the St. Clairs and huffing, “Lord knows what Cheryl did or said to the St. Clair boy to provoke him…Nothing really happened to Cheryl.” Later, Cheryl was confronted by her would-be rapist, who called her a “desperate tart from a truck stop town,” adding, “Let’s not distort reality to cover your the morning after shame. You were high, half-naked, begging for it.” Yet Nick got his comeuppance. Because this is Riverdale, it was not through the useless police force that couldn’t catch a cold if you pitched them in Sweetwater River, but through good ol’ vigilante vengeance. The Lodges are boring, but at least they are very, very vicious.

There was a lot of other developments. We learned about the dastardly drug kingpin The Sugarman, who was quickly outed, arrested, and then seemingly murdered in prison by the Black Hood. (For those playing along at home, my Alice Cooper theory still works!) I’m betting that probably wasn’t the “real” Sugarman, but cool cool who cares, because Bughead is back together and Toni Topaz is officially bi. It’s canon.

Also we FINALLY got some sweet Skeet back in the mix.

Plus, good girl Josie is sparking with bad boy Reggie, and I’m not mad at it.

However, the greatest thing that happened was when Riverdale went all Fast and the Furious. And no I don’t mean this:

Though it was a CLOSE second. (Third was when Cheryl called Betty “Little Bird,” confirming she watches Game of Thrones and is the local Cersei, conniving, twincesty, and delicious diva.)

But the part of the episode that made me most most most excited? A one-liner from our sweet baby angel Kevin Keller ahead of Jughead’s illegal street race: “Not the kind of drag race I ever thought I’d go to. But at least the guys are hot!”

Do you realize what this means? RuPaul’s Drag Race exists in the Riverdale universe! THIS means we could crack open season two or three to include a cameo of some famous queens, or Mama Ru herself. Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa please under all that’s peppy and jingle jangle MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Of course, because many a IRL thing has a cutesy Riverdale equivalent (American Access, Vanity Flair, The Machelorette), that might mean the drag queen competition series has a tweaked name in Kevin’s world. Please dare to guess what that might be in comments, and bonus points for imagining the queens would compete on this surely sensational series.

Let your pun flag fly!

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Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.