Look, it’s Tuesday. We’re all back at work now. Most of us are hungover. Sometimes a stupid self-loathing chuckle is what’s needed at times like this. Reddit has a few threads and subs full of ‘dad jokes’. Here, feast on some of the ‘best’:
Patient: Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places
Doctor: Well don’t go to those places.
Reversing the car “Ahh, this takes me back.”
Every time I stubbed my toe as a kid, my dad would ask if he should call a toe truck. Every. Fucking. Time.
holding a step ladder “this is my step ladder… I never knew my real ladder.”
Driving past cemetery
“You know the people who live here aren’t buried in that cemetery”
“Because they are still alive”
Ok, next time you’re buying milk from the grocery store do the following:
Cashier: Would you like the milk in a bag?
Me: Nah, just leave it in the carton.
I love that joke so much. Also, I don’t know if this next one counts:
A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?” The Polar bear says “Hmmm (at this point, stay entirely silent for a long time, until the people you were telling the joke to think they just didn’t get it and move on in the conversation, then break into the conversation like the following) A beer!” The bartender says to the polar bear (hold up hands, palms facing out) “Why the long paws?”
My dad does this every time we go out to eat.
Waitress: sees that dad hasn’t eaten all his food “Do you want a box for that?”
Dad: “No, but I’ll wrestle ya for it!”
Me: Be careful standing near those trees.
My daughter: Why? The sky is clear, there’s no chance of lightning.
Me: I don’t know really, they just look kind of shady to me.
Me: Dad, I fell down and scraped my knee.
Dad: Don’t do that, it hurts.
Every time I fell down as a kid, my dad would be right there spreading his arms yelling “SAFE!” like an umpire.
Every. Single. Time.
Dad: Look! A flock of cows! Me: Herd of cows*. Dad: Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a whole flock of them over there!
Me: This medicine smells of Thyme ( the herb ).
Dad: Oh really? I can’t smell it.
Me: Yeah. Maybe your nose is blocked. I look over at dad
Dad: Is sniffing his watch
At a restaurant Waitress: “sorry about your wait”
Dad: “well I’ve been doing my best to lose it before swimsuit season”
Every damn time.
I heard about a Mexican magician who said that on the count of 3 he would disappear. So he counted uno… dos… poof!
He vanished without a tres.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my dad, “are you going to put it up yourself?”. Dad replied “don’t be disgusting, I’m going to put it in the living room.”
Nurse to my dad at the hospital after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I’m on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
What sound does a train make when eating?
Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away and you’ve got their shoes.
And lest we forget:
‘Take care that you do not CHOKE on your aspirations, director.’