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Reddit Asks the Question: 'What Screams, 'I'm Medieval and Insecure'?'

By Petr Knava | reddit | October 16, 2017 |

By Petr Knava | reddit | October 16, 2017 |

Sometimes Reddit asks important questions.

Like. ‘What Can Men Get Away With That Women Can’t?’

Or, ‘What Aspects of a Woman’s Life Are Men Most Unaware Of?’

But then sometimes it asks the really important questions.

Like, ‘What Screams, ‘I’m Medieval and Insecure’?’


When you never pass up a chance to drop that one phrase in Latin you know, when everyone knows you’re a pig farmer and can’t even spell your own name.


When you refuse to take advice from a blacksmith even though it’s good advice and then you send your army out without access to water to be slaughtered by the saracens.


Gilt on your armour. “Oooh, look at me, I’m a fancy knight!” No, you’re just tacky.


Having a black suit of armor. Like stop trying to be the edgiest knight in the order


Constantly building fortifications!


When you’re like 50 and still go to reclaim the holy land with all the 20 year olds


Having a lance that’s 3 feet longer than everyone else’s and a horse with shoes that lift it excessively high off the ground. We get it. You have a big lance and a lifted horse. What point are you trying to prove? All you’re doing is making yourself look like the village idiot and making all the tavern wenches think you’re some form of plebeian trying to look like the king. Those two large coin bags hanging in the shape of testicles on the rear of your saddle aren’t doing you any favors either.


Bragging about how you don’t have the Plague.


You’re not supposed to have the plague you low expectation having mother fucker!


Asking the Pope to ban crossbows because your elite cadre of knights got slaughtered by smelly peasant levys.


The only way to stop a bad peasant with a crossbow is a good peasant with a crossbow


Using a trebuchet when a ballista would do


Claiming that The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that you, Arthur, were to carry Excalibur and that THAT is why you are their king


Building a giant motherfucking castle. Yeah, we get it, you literally need it to hold on to the area, you could lose your land at any moment, yada yada.


Preventing the serfs from gaining literacy, so they don’t threaten the landed gentry


Two swords. Like, there’s maybe a handful of people ever who could dual wield effectively, and most of them were not even that great. Just about every reputable knight sticks to a sword and dagger, and for good reason. Like, give it a rest, Sir Chad, we all know you’re just overcompensating.


Naming your sword


Raising all your levies to go on a Crusade. Ok, we get it you are the biggest Catholic, now chill the fuck down.


And then when you don’t even go on a Crusade and just go sack Constantinople instead. Something tells me the doge of Venice was compensating for something.


Marrying your sibling or cousin “to keep the royal blood pure” instead of hitting the dating scene.


Petr Knava lives in London and plays music

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.