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Reddit Asks the Question: 'If You Were a Dictator What is the Pettiest Thing That Would Be Punishable By Death?'

By Petr Knava | reddit | August 11, 2017 |

By Petr Knava | reddit | August 11, 2017 |

Simple one, this. Tapping into all that righteous, terrible fury that we all feel for the little things, Reddit asked the question: ‘If You Were a Dictator What is the Pettiest Thing That Would Be Punishable By Death?’

You can check out the whole thread here, but below are some highlights:


Not clearing the microwave of unused time.



Forcing yourself on to the bus/tram/train before people have properly gotten off.


China has 5 people remaining now.


Half of London sent to the acid mines



Leaving a perishable food item in a random aisle of the grocery store.


My husband recently pulled a Larry David and confronted a woman who did this at Costco. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

He’s staring at her like WTF.

She looks directly at him.

They lock eyes.

“What” she says.

“That’s the laziest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“What did you say?”

“You heard me. If you don’t want it. You put it back”


“If you don’t want it, put it back. If you don’t want it you put it back.”

She started flipping out. It was hilarious. He became my hero that day. I hate confrontation and would never do that, but I was so glad someone did. That shit melts!



Inviting me to Facebook groups that involve selling your pyramid scheme products.


Playing music on public transportation without headphones


Not dimming your high-beams when approaching another car at night.


Taking a phone call while we’re watching TV and asking me to turn it down. It’s a cell phone, there’s no cord. Find a different room.


Forwarding those stupid ass texts/emails/posts that say something like “Send this to your 5 best friends in the next 10 seconds or you’ll wake up with no legs!”


Trash out a car window, for sure.

Second is probably groups of power walkers or whatever who like to go to beautiful quiet areas and scream office gossip at one another so they can hear over their headphones.

Off with their heads.


The pettiest thing? When the person in line before you waits till they get to the register to decide what to order. OFF WITH IS HEAD!


If you use more than one parking space for your vehicle.


Leaving a toilet clogged when the plunger is RIGHT THERE.


Walking slowly and taking up the whole sidewalk with your friends/family.


People putting their used gum on things. If you’ve been chewing the damn thing for so long what’s a minute more to find a proper place to throw it away? Public execution for putting it on anything in a grocery store you are not buying.


Playing music from your phone in public. WHAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT SHIT IS APPROPRIATE?!


Hardcore riding someone’s ass in traffic, aggressively passing, then slowing down to slower than the person you passed.


Driving very slowly until the light turns yellow then slamming the gas so you’re the only one that gets through. Immediate public beheading, if a civilian executes you before the police get to you they get free ice cream for a year.


Chewing food with your mouth open / “smacking” sounds while eating.


Sneezing into your hand and then immediately opening a door.


Mowing your lawn before 9 A.M.


Putting eyelashes on your car.



Littering. Your trash is your problem, do not throw it on the ground and make it everyone’s problem. I have often wondered if you could correlate the psychological profile of habitual litterers with other personality disorders of some sort. Man, it just irritates me.


Sentence: All of their litter will be shot at them out of a cannon until death



Using a tea covered spoon to get sugar from the pot. I don’t want to have to sift through lumps of crusty brown sugar


Having more than 12 items in your cart for the express lane.

“Oh, sorry, I miscounted.”

Bullshit, lady. You just wanted to checkout faster. To the chair with you!


Using another seat for your fucking bag in the bus when it’s full. Off with their heads


People who talk on their phones during movies.


This is supposed to be petty reasons, not 100% justifiable reasons to be killed.


Petr Knava lives in London and plays music

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.