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Reddit Asks the Question: 'If the U.S. States Had Royalty, Who Would be the Royal Family of Your State?'

By Petr Knava | reddit | October 23, 2017 |

By Petr Knava | reddit | October 23, 2017 |

Reddit asked a question the other day that tickled me.

‘If the U.S. States Had Royalty, Who Would be the Royal Family of Your State?’

You can check out the full thread here, but below are some highlights:


The Walton family pretty much already rules Arkansas.


Vermont knows no king but the King in the North whose name is Sanders


I mean, until we basically ran out of them, obviously the Kennedys


Washington (the state): Bill Gates


Maryland - John Waters


Dolly Parton, Queen of Tennessee
Peyton Manning, Her Knight Errant


I nominate Little Richard Penniman for King of Georgia. He is well suited to wearing crowns.
More realistically, the people of Atlanta would select Andre 3000


Maine - Stephen King


Warren Buffet should be the king of Nebraska but it’s actually Tom Osborne.


His Royal Highness: Marshall Mathers


Florida: Mr. Worldwide


North Dakota- Carson Wentz because who the fuck else is from here.


Pretty sure JJ Watt is currently king of Houston at least. And his palace is named HEB.


Minnesota - Prince


Bob Dylan would be the Duke (Uncle) who mumbles through dinner, while everyone just nods in agreement.


Virginia — Missy Elliott


Bruce Springsteen rules over New Jersey, and Billy Joel rules over New York


Louisiana. High King: Peyton Manning. Queen: Ellen Degeneres. Duke of Dope Beats : DJ Kaled. Court Jester/Royal Wizard : Lil Wayne


Tom Brady for all of New England


Edit: it’s Kansas
Edit: yes wheat and the Koch brothers would have been a better answer
Edit: why didn’t I think of sunflowers it’s literally on our flag


The fucking Koch brothers here in Kansas. They would be the classic evil royal family that steals money from poor farmers.


Sir Garth Brooks of Tulsa, Oklahoma


Ashton Kutcher for Iowa lol can’t really think of anyone else..


Pretty sure Lebron would be king of Ohio.


Well, Will Smith is indisputably the prince of Pennsylvania.


Connecticut here…so uh, it basically wouldn’t matter. So many rich, conceited fucks that they’d constantly be killing each other for the throne until they’re gone, and then maybe Kevin Bacon would step in to settle things finally.


I feel like Texas is going to be a Game of Thrones style power struggle between the Butt family (HEB), the Bush family, Beyonce, and the family that runs Whataburger.


Governor Schwarzenegger becomes King Schwarzenegger. Nothing much changes.

Nick Saban would literally rule over Alabama with a blood-soaked iron fist resting on the backs of his players like the ghost of plantation-owners past.

New Mexico elevates Walter White to royalty. After being informed he is a fictional character, the person who dared to share that information is found, days later, with their severed head strapped to a merry-go-round at a county fair.

Washington and Oregon both try to claim RuPaul as their queen. The ensuing civil war is bloody. Many lives are lost.

South Dakota, by dent of having nothing there, fall to worshipping the founding fathers of Mount Rushmore as their god-kings. Nothing much changes.


Petr Knava lives in London and plays music

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.