Yes, yes, I know that Fantastic Beasts is a thing. And that Key & Peele did a thing. But I’ve just got my third wisdom tooth out and I’m lying here on a couch, swollen-faced and hallucinating, and this Reddit thread had me laughing and slobbering over myself a little bit in my post-bone-gauged state.
Check it, How Would ‘Harry Potter’ Be Different If It Took Place In The United States?
There would be a distinct lack of ‘BLOODY HELL HARRY’
‘HOLY SHIT HARRY’
What the fuck, Harry?!?
Surely the American version couldn’t have the f-word on it. Think of the children!
“WHAT IN TARNATION HARRY!”
WHAT IN TRANSFIGURATION HARRY?!
The Weasley residence would be mobile homes stacked up and magically held together with tarps and duct tape.
Duct tape doesn’t need magic.
Excuse me, duct tape IS magic.
Hogwarts would only be about 75 years old. And it was probably renovated in the 90s.
The potions lab is falling apart but that Quidditch Stadium is something else.
Except it will be for American Quidditch, which is completely unrelated to what the rest of the world plays and they will have a world series or something similar to show of their superiority.
Which, in true American fashion, has a ball that explodes.
Most Quidditch players don’t know shit about magic, nor do they care. They just came to Hogwarts on a sports scholarship.
They’d play a completely different sport but still call it Quidditch
He would live in a “closet” and not a “cupboard.”
Hagrid would live in a trailer.
And played by John Goodman.
If you can’t get into U.S. Hogwarts it’s no big deal.
You can go to its for-profit Caribbean counterpart for four times the price.
Harry Potter and the University of the Phoenix
Him and Ron would have been shot down by the Air force if they tried flying that car over D.C
Voldemort would’ve been shot about 17 times all those years ago when he broke into Lily and Jimmy Potter’s house. About a 2 page book. More of a leaflet, really.
You would have a group saying that you have a right to know the Avada Kedavra spell to protect yourself. Then you’d have another group saying that the Department of Magic needs to control who knows it because every other country does this and they have less Avada Kedavra murders. Then, someone will go and use the spell to kill people in a school, and Alex Jones will claim it was a false flag by the Department of Magic.
All the actors still would be British.