Listen, it’s a fucking Friday. And maybe sometimes on Fridays I wanna spend, like, 20 minutes or so not thinking about the many global collapse scenarios facing our world.
Is that okay?!
Sometimes I just want some wholesome shit in my life for a few goddamn minutes!
Is that allowed?!
Good. Wholesome shit.
Like this reddit thread where pet owners talk about what inane nonsense they say to their pets.
It’s cute as fuck.
Here, look, I’ll give you some of the best, and then we can go back to drinking and plotting the revolution again, alright?
“Did you have a good puppy day?” When I get home from work
My dog will always excitedly follow me no matter where I go. He’s even more exuberant as soon as I get home from work. Every day when I get home and am heading upstairs to get changed out of my work clothes I enthusiastically ask, “Who wants to come watch me get naked?!” Then my dog jumps and dances around and sprints upstairs with me. My wife never follows.
I ask my cat “How come you’re so pretty?” She meows in response to absolutely anything I say. I actually just remembered that I probably say that because when I was a kid my mom would ask me the same thing and I would answer “Because I’m yours!” I literally just made that connection.
Have you considered meow though?
When my cat meows at me
Every morning while I’m getting ready, one of my cats will start crying for no reason. Usually while I’m washing my face or putting in my contacts.
I always yell “C’mere then, love” in a British accent and she’ll come running into the bathroom and sit on the toilet lid. I don’t know how it started.
To my cat: Ooh who’s a fuzzy? Is it you? Are you the fuzzy one?
Cat: looks at me with agreement.
Every morning I sit on my bed and prepare to put on my socks. And every morning my cat jumps on the bed and meows for attention. So I drape one sock over her back. Then I put on the other sock and ask aloud, “If only I knew where to get the other sock…?”
Then my cat will meow and walk toward me. I pull the sock off her back and say , “Why thank you, Sock Carrying Cat!”
Every. Damn. Morning.
My dog is pretty verbal so when he howls I tell him to “use your words!”
I used to keep silk worms. They’re cute and the only truly domesticated insects. (In China and Taiwan, kids would keep one as pets in little bamboo tubes and compete to see whose can grow the fattest. They literally will stand up and “dance” when you come into the room because they think they’re going to be fed.)
Anyway, they do compete with each other for food and I used to give each of them their own feeding station to stop them from fighting. How does a hugely fat, white caterpillar fight, you ask? They pull their heads back and flick themselves at each other—so it looks like they’re bashing their heads down and it can be loud enough to hear the tap sound. I’d immediately move the “basher” to another feeding station to minimize their head bashing since I worried about them damaging themselves.
Anyway, I used to reprimand them if they fought each other. I didn’t even realize I was verbalizing it until one day my sister walked in and heard me mutter at them and said, “Did… you just tell your caterpillars to stop hitting each other? You know they can’t hear or understand you right?”
Yes. Yes I know.
I’m a grown ass manly man. 5’11”, 230 lbs. Big strong guy working in a very technical skilled labor position.
I pick up my daughter’s 7.5 lb chihuahua, cradle him like a baby, rub his belly and tell him “This is what you do. This is your purpose.”
My husband and I came up with a “voice” for our golden retriever so we will sit there and have full conversations in his voice and look like complete idiots. It’s the best thing ever.
While petting my cat or when he’s sleeping really soundly I like to ask if he has a hard life, if he plowed the fields or hauled buckets of water today.
“Get a job!”
“What was it like, your days on the street?” (My cat was found on the streets of Manhattan.)
She gives no answer.
We have 4 cats, and the majority of what I tell them is complete and under gibberish;
I’ll look at one (kini) and say “hey lulududununudu”…(dont ask)
I’ll see another (ming) and say “Allo Mingy-ming. Are yoo a gud cat? Yes!”
I’ll see the dumb one (kronk) and say “Kronkles/kronklestiltskin/kronklestein/kronkleberry finn! Whaddududu?”
I’ll see the last one (Mr Kitty) and say “Ay Mifter Kits! MIFTER KITS! MIF MIF MIF”
It’s all ridiculous, and I’m a grown man, but I love it.