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You Are Such a Goddamn Joke, Donald Trump

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 8, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 8, 2018 |


Earlier this morning, when I saw a few tweets suggesting that Donald Trump wanted to pardon Muhammed Ali, I thought maybe he’d mentioned it in passing, or that he threw out Ali’s name among a long series of others. I didn’t realize, at the time, that Trump spent a good minute talking to reporters and teasing the possibility of a really big pardon in reality-show fashion before dramatically name-dropping Muhammed Ali, as though he were going to get a huge round of applause from reporters.

This is pathetic.

What a fucking piece of work.

Realizing that everything else about the Presidency requires going through Congress or dealing with foreign powers or getting jammed up in bureaucracy, Trump is now treating pardons like his new favorite toy, like those mostly meaningless executive orders he used to sign. “You mean I can just sign my name and pardon anyone I want?! And I don’t have to go through Mitch? Or Trudeau?”

You can just see his tiny little brain ticking, can’t you? “I’ll make them forget all about Russian collusion and Stormy Daniels. I’ll give them a name SO huge that it will be the only thing they’ll talk about for days! And this time, neither Sylvester Stallone nor Kim Kardashian will get any of the credit. I’m going to do this all on my own! I’m gonna get SO many new black voters! I’m going to shock the world! Just you wait until they hear the name. The ratings are going to go through the roof! Maybe I’ll even interrupt CSI and sign the pardon during primetime television. This is something that NO president would have ever considered. Take that, Barack Obama! I didn’t see you trying to pardon Muhammed Ali!”

There’s just one thing: By an 8-0 vote, the Supreme Court vacated Ali’s conviction for evading the draft in 1971, and Jimmy Carter subsequently gave a blanket pardon to everyone who evaded the draft. There’s nothing to pardon Ali for, as Ali’s attorney has noted:

“We appreciate President Trump’s sentiment, but a pardon is unnecessary. The U.S Supreme Court overturned the conviction of Muhammad Ali in a unanimous decision in 1971. There is no conviction from which a pardon is needed.”

Stick that pardon up your ass, Donny Trash. You are a joke. Now go get them Canadians, Donny, before they burn down the White House again.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.