As of October 14, 2020, there has been an estimated 38.1 million cases of the COVID-19 virus confirmed worldwide. More than 1.08 million deaths have been attributed to the pandemic, which has been an ongoing concern since December 2019. The consequences of this virus on every aspect of our lives has been immense. Millions of people are out of work and at risk of homelessness. Social distancing measures have been implemented across the board, yet far too many public officials and conspiracy theorists insist that nothing is wrong. We are in the largest global recession since the Great Depression. Cases of xenophobia and racism against Asian people rose dramatically. It is thought that more people have died in the past 12 months from COVID-19 than the 2009 swine flu pandemic, the Great Plague of Marseille, and the U.S. polio epidemic of 1948 - 1952.
Naturally, it’s made some people horny.
I feel kind of dirty typing that out, but alas, this is the internet, and as Rule 34 has instructed us many times, if something exists then there will be a pornographic version of it somewhere. Look, we cope with tragedy and chaos in different ways. It’s natural for us to find ways to look at our most abstract fears, find a way to humanize it, then want to bang it. Come on, do you know HOW many romance novels there are out there where someone gets to f**k death? I’m stunned it’s not been made into a Guillermo del Toro movie yet. So, of course, there is sexy coronavirus stuff out there.
But Kayleigh, I hear you ask. How on earth could someone turn a severe acute respiratory syndrome into a sex symbol? Also why? Also, can you please leave us alone and pretend this never happened?
Nope, sorry. If I know it exists, then so should you.
Kissing the Coronavirus by M.J. Edwards is a 16-page long ebook that features a well-muscled green dude who I assume must be COVID. Surely he should be covered in red spores or have a spiky penis? Here’s the synopsis:
She was supposed to cure the Coronavirus. Instead… she fell in love with it.
Dr Alexa Ashingtonford is a part of a crack team of scientists tasked with finding the cure to the devastating Coronavirus. Little did she know she would end up falling in love with it, in this steamy viral-erotica.
Kissing the Coronavirus is a steamy tale about forbidden love and dark desires come to life.
(Image via Goodreads)
I do appreciate the ‘Live Laugh Love’ font choice. It adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the proceedings, yes?
But wait! There’s more!
There’s also Courting the Coronavirus by Lee Taylor! How quaint!
It was her fault the virus got sent back to the nineteenth century in the first place.
Now the only way to get close enough to destroy it again… is to court it.
The only problem with that?
She might be falling for it.
Joan was never supposed to be working in a virus lab to begin with, so when she accidentally sends the virus hurtling through space and time, it’s up to her to go get it back. Finding the virus in the past isn’t going to be the hard part, however, it’s getting close to it… without getting too close.
Courting the Coronavirus is a short steamy erotica with a viral twist.
But waiiiiiit! There’s mooooooooore!
Coronavirus is Coming to Town: A Covid-19 Steamy Horror Story is described as ‘Hallmark Channel meets Wizard of Oz meets Michael Bay with non-con elements’, with the author shamelessly admitting that they ‘really want[s] to pay off their student loans.’ So, if you feel like you’re not being f**ked over enough right now by COVID-19, you can pay the low low price of $1.01 for this delight.
I get that this is all a joke. It’s very Chuck Tingle, albeit with less butt-pounding. Still, wanna talk about too soon? People are dying every day of this thing. I suppose it’s somewhat ironic. I mean, how many of you guys are up for red-hot action with sexy mysterious strangers who don’t wear masks right now? This is the world we live in now, and this is the life that I have chosen for myself.
Header Image Source: Getty Images.