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Won't Someone Please Think of the Billionaires!

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 31, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 31, 2019 |


How f**king cold are you today, folks? (Shut up, Californians!) I hope your cars still start, your pipes remain bust-free, and that your pets will leave the house at least long enough to take care of business.

— The House is proposing a federal holiday for election day, and my guess is that would be very popular among regular folks from both parties (if anything else, it’s a day off!) Mitch McConnell, however, is clearly afraid of what more votes might do to his party, so he’s lashing out, calling it a “power grab” by Democrats, all but saying, “If more people voted, more Democrats would win elections, and that’s not fair! It will undo all the hard work we’ve done on gerrymandering and voter suppression!”

He also said, “This is the Democrat plan to restore democracy? A brand-new week of paid vacation for every federal employee who would like to hover around while you cast your ballot? Just what America needs, another paid holiday and a bunch of government workers being paid to go out and work for I assume … our colleagues on the other side, on their campaigns.”

Is Mitch McConnell complaining about one paid holiday a year, after essentially giving many federal employees 35 paid days off? Oh, Mitch. You’re so transparent.

In either respect, the fact that the bill is in the House (and will likely pass there) means that it’s in the realm of possibility now — 3 more Senators and a Democratic President, and we might be able to make this happen, and while I wouldn’t call it a “power grab,” it just might represent a long-term shift in power.

Here’s our Howard Schutz is the worst section, which is my favorite section lately, and proves at least one thing about the media has changed since the last election: Now, at least, they take these fringe, goofball candidates seriously enough to destroy them immediately.

And good luck peeling off suburban Democratic women, Schultz:

In the now-deleted tweet, Schultz linked to a piece that called Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) “shrill” and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) “Fauxcahontas,” a reference to her claims of Native American heritage.

But listen, Howard: Don’t let the haters bring you down! This is America! Don’t let anyone tell you that a billionaire white man can’t do whatever he sets his mind to do! *head pat* You go out there, and you smash the … I dunno. Whatever it is that billionaires smash, besides hopes and dreams. You’ve got billions of dollars. You can go out there and build your own glass ceiling, and pay one of your Starbucks employees to smash it for you, because ow! What if you get a piece of glass stuck in your hand!?

How is Donny doing these days, anyway?

Huh. Gonna try the caravan trick again, huh? Good luck with that.

I don’t even know what this means.

Could someone in the comments please find the appropriate GIF for lashing out desperately?

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

Header Image Source: FX