Who Wants to Watch a Billionaire Slap Fight?

By Nate Parker | Politics | June 22, 2023 |

By Nate Parker | Politics | June 22, 2023 |

Twitter owner Elon Musk has challenged Meta owner Mark Zuckerberg to a fight, and it counts as news because the 21st century is stupid.

The pillowy-soft 51-year-old billionaire challenged Zuckerberg to a cage match with a tweet. Zuckerberg, a trained MMA fighter, told Musk in an Instagram story to pick a place. Musk suggested a Las Vegas Octagon and commented “I have this great move that I call ‘The Walrus,’ where I just lie on top of my opponent & do nothing,” possibly the funniest line he ever stole. A Meta spokesman told The Verge that “The story speaks for itself,” suggesting he’s entirely serious. Whether Musk’s digital mouth has been writing checks his physical ass can’t cash remains to be seen (of course it has).

Look. We all know this story is ridiculous. Two men whose combined wealth could solve world hunger, climate change, and provide every family a puppy might duke it out in a televised cage match for the title of World’s Toughest Billionaire, as though there aren’t Russian oligarchs who chop their competitors into steak tartare. It would still be ridiculous if the loser promised a billion dollars to the charity of the winner’s choice, which they won’t. But it does promise some mild entertainment. I don’t think there’s any question that Zuckerberg could physically overpower Musk without breaking a sweat. Say what you will about the perils of human-robot hybrids, Zuckerberg is physically fit and fights in jiu-jitsu competitions. Meanwhile, Elon Musk and I share a body type I like to call “comfortably padded” because it sounds better than “schlumpy,” and armed bodyguards follow him to the toilet. Unless Zuckerberg’s OS code follows Asimov’s First Law of Robotics he’ll whip Elon Musk like a rented mule. He’ll beat Musk like a redheaded stepchild. Musk will receive the kind of punishment that normally costs him several thoroughbreds of the Dominatrix’s choice. But I can’t deny it would make me laugh to watch it happen, so I hope this one time Musk actually follows through.

For aesthetic reasons, we use images of Lee Pace in lieu of header photos of Elon Musk, with apologies to Lee Pace. But just look at those thighs.