One week from today, Americans will head to polling places across this great land to cast their ballot for the next president of the United States. Despite the FBI’s best efforts, polls indicate that Hillary Clinton is the favorite to become our nation’s 45th Commander in Chief and the first woman to hold the office since Laura Roslin nearly eradicated our entire species.
Clinton will likely make a fine president. She’s a smart, experienced, tenacious woman who’s spent the last two decades preparing to one day occupy the Oval. That she’s a serial liar, multiple murderer, and as crooked as a paper clip run through a garbage disposal isn’t relevant to this discussion and I’m not sure why Dustin made me include it against my wishes, but he cuts the checks around here so I follow orders like a good Schutzstaffel. Regardless, a Clinton presidency should bolster the progressive foundation set by Barack Obama and ensure his efforts to push America forward aren’t undone by radical conservatives. This is a win for all Americans.
But her election will also infuriate rabid Trump supporters, and that’s even more appealing to me than a fully functioning government that protects the interests of all Americans regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. Fuck that high-minded nonsense. I’m a selfish, petty man aroused by watching horrible people suffer demoralizing defeats. A scumbag banker who stole millions from customers winds up broke and incarcerated? Erection. A celebrity “prankster” who sexually assaults famous women catches a blow to the beak? Erection. The Patriots lose? MASSIVE ERECTION.
Most Pajibans would object to this statement, but not all Trump supporters are red-blooded rectums who think minorities are xenomorphs or that women shouldn’t go anywhere without a rolling pin. Many conservatives, trapped in right-wing feedback loops that portray Clinton as an immoral criminal mastermind obsessed with taking power at any cost, will vote for anyone who can prevent her from becoming president. They don’t like Trump, but they hatesssssss Clinton, precious. Root for the same team all your life and it’s really hard to support an arch-rival even when the head coach becomes a monster who calls all the players “boy” and tries to hit on cheerleaders at halftime. It’s not an excuse. But their motives are understandable.
It’s the Trump die-hards I can’t wait to see squirm. The “Monica Sucks But Not Like Hillary”-wearing, “JEW-S-A” chanting, assassinating threatening, minority-punching assholes who consider Trump a modern-day Medici primed to usher in a white-male renaissance. Those discarded heroin needles can’t feel enough despair to satisfy my cravings. I need a Cerebro-like device that allows me to tap into every Trump supporter’s consciousness at the exact moment they learn their rotten savior is on the ass end of history so I can suck up their pain like the world’s pettiest X-Man and direct it back on them a thousand fold.
I’d drain my retirement for a 4K live feed from JEW-S-A Guy’s house as election results roll in. I want to smell his anguish as polls close in Pennsylvania, and North Carolina, and Florida, and Colorado. I want to hear, in crystal-clear Dolby Atmos sound, his insane mutterings as Scott Pelley says “Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States.” I don’t understand how he could have lost, he will think to himself, alone except for his Ron White DVDs and the sobs of his family. I chanted JEW-S-A. That matters. Fuckin Jews stole it like they stole this country.
Put me in a bar next to a proud deplorable. Let me noisily sip a foreign, fruit-infused cider through a pink straw while my neighbor curses into his camo Busch Light can.
Send me to a Trump victory party so I can bathe in white misery as red and white balloons fall from the ceiling forming a swastika on the ballroom floor.
Drop me into Dan Bowman’s survival bunker so I can watch him look around for a small animal to kick while his wife folds her fourth straight load of white sheets.
Give me a key to the Trump family’s hotel room so I can laugh as Ivanka files her name-change paperwork and Eric calls Hillary the N-word for no apparent reason.
Let me wander backstage at CNN to catch Jeffrey Lord and Kayleigh McEnany as they realize their relationship with relevance has unceremoniously concluded.
Hand me a shovel so I can dig up Andrew Brietbart’s corpse and scream at his skull that his life’s work failed.
Too far? Fine, I won’t scream at him.
On election night, I want every Trump backer who hates Hillary because she’s a woman, or sends Jewish writers pictures of their families being shoved into ovens, or cheers assassination rhetoric, or wants to discriminate against people with different skin colors, genders, and religious backgrounds, or brings an Obama mask and noose to a college football game, or brushes aside sexual assault as harmless male behavior, or vows to destabilize American democracy if they don’t get their way to liberally suck a dark blue, free-range, artisanal dick. Your opinions do not matter. You are worthy of neither compassion nor compromise. You disrespect everything America stands for, selfishly dragging the country down into the toxic depths from which we worked so hard to escape. And you deserve every ounce of misery coming your way.
A Tolerant Liberal