We used to joke we were on the darkest timeline. But gang, we’ve hit a new level of lunacy and hypocrisy in the midst of so much dystopia. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer literally ducked the press yesterday by hiding in bushes. He tried to Homer-meme out of an awkward situation.
And in other news so absurd you’d scoff incredulously if it happened in a movie, Donald “Grab Em By The Pussy” Trump criticized Stephen Colbert for that rousing and decidedly blue drubbing he delivered on The Late Show last week.
Just a refresher, Colbert called out the President* “the BLOTUS,” “the glutton with the button,” “the presidunce,” “prick-tator,” and said Trump has “more people marching against (him) than cancer.” Most infamously, the talk show host declared the only thing the former reality star turned national disgrace is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s cockholster.”
Now, since then, Colbert’s come under attack not only by Trump supporters, but also progressives who felt that last barb was inherently homophobic. He apologized for that, but backed down on nothing else. And frankly, we’re surprised it’s taken Trump this long to lash out about the viral rant that earned even more headlines when news hit that the FCC was looking into the matter. (Thankfully, that turned out to be bunk.)
But back to Trump, who sounded off to Time about Colbert’s scathing monologue, saying:
“You see a no-talent guy like Colbert. There’s nothing funny about what he says. And what he says is filthy. And you have kids watching. And it only builds up my base. It only helps me, people like him. The guy was dying. By the way they were going to take him off television, then he started attacking me and he started doing better. But his show was dying. I’ve done his show. … But when I did his show, which by the way was very highly rated. It was high highest rating. The highest rating he’s ever had.”
There’s a LOT to process here. So let’s break it down, Trump doesn’t find Colbert funny. That’s fine. Fuck, that’s probably flattering to comedians considering Trump literally doesn’t understand what a joke is, dodging the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and assuming Barack Obama’s warning against hiring Michael Flynn was “a joke.” Ha ha! COMEDY!
Next, Trump calls Colbert “filthy” for his language. This fucking guy:
Actually, to be fair, Trump knows filthy. So, if anyone can recognize filthy language, it’s that shit-stained asshole. But to the charge “kids are watching,” what kids are watching an 11:35 PM talk show? But hey, maybe Trump means online, where the clip blew up. Okay. Fair point. When kids can easily find such video online, public figures should really watch what they say, especially when they know they’re mic’ed. Trump knows all about that too.
Lastly, Trump leaned into his signature finale, arguing that his attacker is a loser, and that he—THE DONALD—is a winner.
“By the way they were going to take him off television, then he started attacking me and he started doing better. But his show was dying. I’ve done his show. … But when I did his show, which by the way was very highly rated. It was high highest rating. The highest rating he’s ever had.”
It’s true that Colbert was struggling in his new show and format. And as we’ve reported, his decision to turn away from the fluffy late-night shenanigans of Jimmy Fallon and turning back to the searing political satire he made his reputation on, has helped his ratings considerably. But look at this quote as a whole. It’s dizzying.
Trump somehow manages to criticize Colbert for failing ratings, then brag that Colbert’s criticism of him is what’s saved them, managing to be prideful about the fact that millions of Americans tune in nightly to hear a comedian call their leader a petulant child, simpering puppet, and reckless maniac. Yet Trump’s still counting this as a win, because whether you tune in to love him or hate him, he’s still all over television. Positive or negative, attention is all Trump wants. No wonder he is so in love with that cretin Roger Stone. They worship at the same alter of ego.
Also, special shout out to THR for this slick shade:
Let us never assume Trump is telling the truth, even about something as minor as the ratings of a talk show on which he appeared.