By now you’ve probably heard that Ted Cruz suspended his presidential campaign last night. And while I’m sure that’s cause for celebration in some circles, I’m not here to gloat over the end of his bid. I’m here to mourn the loss that was that catastrophic shit show, to look back fondly at the comedic gold it produced, and to hopefully remember that Ted Cruz is still a goddamn senator and we’ll still have to live with his varying levels of human-impostering bullshit for years to come. Don’t cry because it’s over, Ted. Cry because these unimaginably awkward moments actually happened.
In-Touch Husband (Holy Shit Did You Just Accidentally Punch Your Wife In The Face?)
Ted Cruz ends campaign by accidentally hitting, elbowing his wife in the face pic.twitter.com/epO1tzKgTT— Jon Swaine (@jonswaine) May 4, 2016
This Moment of Sublimity Brought To You By Cruz For President
Shouldn't #TedCruz have been forced to carry his unviable campaign to term?— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) May 4, 2016
No, Seriously, Did You Really Punch And Elbow Your Wife In The Face?
Hopefully Cruz For President 2020 Will Have His Hand Holding Protocols Updated
Before You Start To Feel Too Bad For Awkwardin’ Ted, Remember He’s A Terrible Hate-Monger
And One More Time For The Cheap Seats
Why Am I Persecuted?
Pssst … it’s because you’re horrible.
Emily Chambers just hopes someone will continue to update Cruz’s website designed for Human Outreach.