It’s no secret that Donald Trump doesn’t exactly have Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn working on his behalf. His campaign manager is best known for propping up despotic banana republic dictators and looks like Shooter McGavin after a week-long meth binge. His chief speechwriter is a 30-year-old former Jeff Sessions staffer who used to call conservative radio hosts in high school to complain about perceived liberal biases in education, his foreign policy advisor believes Muslims should be RFID tagged and have their genetic makeup altered so that they can’t survive 48 hours without lysine (that last part is from Jurassic Park but might also be true here, too), and his head of craft services is under investigation by the FBI.
So it should come as no surprise that Jason Miller, the campaign’s senior communications director, probably didn’t turn down job offers from Mitt Romney or Nikki Haley to work for Fuckface von Clownstick.
Miller went on CNN’s Reliable Sources Sunday morning to defend his boss’ abhorrent, anti-American, dung-encrusted attacks on the family of slain Muslim-American solider Humayun Khan. This was Miller’s first Sunday morning show appearance since joining the campaign in June, so the show’s host, Brian Stelter, understandably went easy on the rookie. And by easy, I mean he waited all of nine seconds before pulling Miller apart like he’s one of those Starship Troopers bugs.
GODDAMN SON, YOU SHOULDA PUT THIS VIDEO ON LIVELEAK! This is too savage for YouTube. Videos don’t get this graphic without someone screaming “WORLDSTAR!” at the end.
For those of your who don’t want to subject yourself to this gruesome footage, Miller first tries to claim that Trump praised Khan, of whom the highly coordinated pile of fascist fire ants said “has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I’ve never read the Constitution.” Stelter ain’t havin that:
MILLER: In the ABC interview, Mr. Trump praised Mr. Khan.
STELTER: He called Mr. Khan a nice guy.
MILLER: Yes, he praised Mr. Khan. But, again, Brian, let’s get back to what’s going on here, the fact this is about radical Islamic terrorism and what we have to do as a country to make sure that our borders are safe, and to make sure that we’re screening people who are coming into this country. That’s the larger debate that’s going on here.
HE PRACTICALLY SUCKED HIS DICK, BRIAN! CAN WE MOVE ON?! That radical Islamic terrorism bit at the end? Keep an eye on that phrase because it pops up all over the place like racist crabgrass.
Stelter, confused because he’s a fully functioning adult who understands the difference between insults and praise, further presses Goatee McOvalface:
STELTER: That’s not what Mr. Khan’s speech was about on Thursday. Let me put on screen a statement from Mr. Trump last night. He seemed to be trying to clean up the ABC interview.
In the statement last night, Trump said the following, he said that Mr. Khan has no right to speak the way he did on stage. Let me get the exact quote, because I don’t want to misquote Mr. Trump. Let’s see if we can put it on the screen here.
He said that, Mr. Trump, “While I feel deeply for the loss of his son, Mr. Khan who has never met me, has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim that I have never read the Constitution, which is false and say many other inaccurate things.”
The First Amendment to the Constitution allows Mr. Khan the right to stand on stage and say whatever wants. Why would Mr. Trump say he doesn’t have that right?
MILLER: That’s not what Mr. Trump is saying at all. What he’s saying —
STELTER: That’s what the statement said.
Here’s a picture of what your boss said. Yeah but he didn’t say that.
MILLER: What he’s saying is that Mr. Trump has a right to defend himself, to make clear what he’s saying is this is about Islamic terrorism, for him to be criticized like that he didn’t think was fair.
So, let’s get back to the broader point here, the fact that media completely let —
STELTER: Let’s not — let’s put the statement back on screen
Miller somehow pulled himself on the canvas and, dazed, attempted to pivot back to his talking point while his trainer frantically looked around for a towel to throw:
MILLER: Brian, Mr. Khan — this is about, again, this is about radical Islamic terrorism, and this is about what’s really going on here, and the fact that the media doesn’t want to pick up and cover what’s going on with this country. I mean, where was the media outrage following Cleveland when he had supporters and survivors of those who either have been hurt or killed by illegal aliens in this country? There’s no media outrage following that. But again, what we’re talking about here is radical Islamic terrorism and that’s what’s important.
STELTER: You keep mentioning radical Islamic terrorism when I mention Mr. Khan. Why do you keep responding that way when I mentioned him?
MILLER: Because that’s what the broader debate that we’re having. The broader debate that we’re having is about the screening and the vetting that we’re having for people who are coming into this country, about —
STELTER: But that has nothing to do with this family, with this Muslim American family.
MILLER: This is — no, this is what the whole broader debate is about right now. This is not about — this is not about Mr. Trump and Mr. Khan. This is about Mr. Trump and Hillary Clinton.
STELTER: But Mr. Khan is making it about Mr. Trump, stating that he has a black soul, stating that he’s ignorant. And you keep bringing up radical Islamic terrorism instead. Are you trying to change the subject or are you trying to link him to terrorism?
He’s down, Brian. He’s down. Don’t kick him in head. That’s a felony.
Miller, for his part, certainly tried to direct communications throughout this interview so job well done, I guess.
It’s tempting to feel pity for Trump surrogates. I’ve had to publicly defend a client’s poor decisions in the past. The feeling in your stomach when you know you’re on the wrong side of the argument but are being paid to advocate the opposite is not one I’d wish on anyone. But no one forced these people to take Trump’s money. Destroying your brand and your integrity — not to mention lowering public discourse and working to install a sentient carrot cake left to rot in a hot, damp barrel as our next president — for a few dollars opens you up to deserved criticism. Deal with it.
Anyway, the real post here is about radical Islamic terrorism.