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What the Hell Just Happened with Mike Pence?

By Mike Redmond | Politics | July 2, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Politics | July 2, 2019 |


“He choked on a Filet-O-what now? — Well, who forgot to tell him to chew?”

If you’re not an active Twitter user, please consider never, ever becoming one because in the span of an hour, rampant reports surrounding Vice President Mike Pence making an emergency return to the White House have wildly fluctuated from all-out nuclear war to a feeling of, dare I say, hope that Donald Trump is deathly ill.

Here’s where we’re at. Earlier today, Pence was scheduled to make an appearance in New Hampshire that was abruptly cancelled as he was summoned to the White House. Initial reports claimed Air Force Two was already in the air and forced to turn around, so it sounded serious. At the same time, Vladmir Putin suddenly cancelled all of his plans and buggered off to attend an “urgent” meeting with his defense minister. And while those two events occurring simultaneously are alarming enough, somehow talk of the “EU Commission Security Council” announcing an emergency meeting started getting bandied about, and that’s when a whole lot of pants started shitting.

So right off the bat, let’s knock out the easiest piece of bullshit: There is no emergency EU meeting.

As for Putin, his actions also have an easy answer even though there’s obviously way more to this story than just a submarine fire. Because this very well could be the reason why Pence was called back to the White House, and if so, then there are definitely some serious questions about what the hell this sub was really up to.

Which brings us to Pence. As of this writing, the circumstances surrounding his summoning to the White House have evolved. For starters, officials are now saying that Pence never even left Washington and Air Force Two wasn’t diverted in mid-air. However, the first three words of this statement really say a whole lot, and yes, it’s very weird that Donald Trump’s health was immediately brought up unprompted.

CNN reports:

“Something came up that required the @VP to remain in Washington, DC. It’s no cause for alarm. He looks forward to rescheduling the trip to New Hampshire very soon,” Alyssa Farah wrote in a tweet.

A senior White House official said the reason for Pence’s return to the White House “is not health related for the VP or President” and is not “related to national security.”

An official close to the vice president told CNN that there was no emergency, saying, “the VP was called back to the White House but no cause for alarm.”

“Something came up but don’t worry, it’s totally not the president’s health. LOL, why would you ask?”

So knowing what we know about this administration, exactly the opposite of what they’re telling us is happening. Either a nuclear submarine is about to fry the Arctic Ocean or Donald Trump is slumped over Elvis-style while Mike Pence frantically makes out with Mother in the corner as their sloppy passionate cries of, “Yes! Finally!” fill the Lincoln Bedroom.

Anyway, Twitter is being Twitter and having a goddamn field day speculating on what the actual hell is happening at the White House, and it doesn’t help that the latest Donald Trump tweet is just a link and not an all-caps rant about his giant penis tanks storming the capital.

Again, all of this could easily be cleared up by Trump tweeting that he’s fine in his usual moron cadence, so naturally, that’s not happening because his entire administration is a trash bag full of possums and rape. Instead, we could very well be watching a nation-wide freakout over the President of the United States having the shits. Who the fuck knows with these people?

In the meantime, I’m putting my money on this until I see a mushroom cloud.

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Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

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