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Ivanka Trump Would Like to Say a Few Words on Tear-Gassing Children and Maybe Shooting Them Later (Fingers Crossed)

By Mike Redmond | Politics | November 28, 2018 |

By Mike Redmond | Politics | November 28, 2018 |


In theory, things are looking bad for the Trump administration. Or at least worse than its usual state of stupidly norm-shattering decisions and unbridled racism that raises daily questions about the very nature of reality itself. For example, were children really tear-gassed at the border, or did they simply have a delicious nacho topping dispersed into their toddler faces? (Actual thing that was said by an actual person because we all are dead and this is The Bad Place.)

But fear not, bigotous chuckleheads, your daddy Trump always has an ace up his sleeve that will clearly make this all better: The blonde!

For those of you short on time, that was a clip of Ivanka Trump telling Good Morning America that she has a heart — Can we get a Pinocchio count on that one? — so of course, she was “devastated” by the images of children being gassed at the border. Which she blamed on laws that need to be changed. As for what the hell she means by laws should be changed and in what way, how about a nice, pretty smile? 😃

More importantly, when Deborah Roberts asked Ivanka if she’s concerned with her dad authorizing the use of lethal force against the migrant caravan, Ivanka basically responded with, “Oh, no no no. Father would never do such a thing.” Roberts then played a clip of Trump doing exactly such a thing, which is worth watching just to see Ivanka’s face followed by one hell of a bullshit answer where she essentially says, “Okay, well, daddy is the Commander-in-Chief, so he has to be able to shoot the not-innocent people at the border.” You know, because they’ll obviously be wearing T-shirts that say “Not Innocent,” so it’s not like the Border Patrol will be indiscriminately firing at childre- ah shit wait.

Sadly, Roberts didn’t push back on Ivanka’s answer that if the president did say lethal force — and that’s a big if, not counting all the video evidence of him clearly saying it — he totally meant it in the context of possessing the superhuman ability to discern bad asylum-seekers from good ones while aiming at them with military-grade weaponry. But Roberts did broach a subject that I’m sure we’re all thrilled to be talking about again: Goddamn emails.

To Roberts’ credit, she continually peppered Ivanka with questions about the fact that her father “hammered” Hillary Clinton about her emails to the point where “Lock Her Up” is still being chanted by morons at his rally, so isn’t it kind of funny that Ivanka is now in a similar situation? Except what Roberts didn’t count on is that Ivanka will look her straight in the eye and say, “Nope. These two scandals involving private email servers have absolutely nothing in common.” Even more tellingly, Roberts specifically asked Ivanka if she thinks “Lock Her Up” applies to her. Ivanka’s response? “No,” while shaking her head and laughing.

But just in case you think Ivanka is a Westworld robot programmed to put a pretty white lady spin on her father’s atrocities, she’s grown as a human being, you guys.

So just how exactly did Ivanka grow? By discovering the brightness of her “own compass and signal” and learning to stop “ameliorating the critics.” In other words, while working in a comically corrupt administration that has caged children, tear-gassed them, and is working diligently to shoot them dead, Ivanka has learned the most valuable lesson in life:

Blowin’ all them haters away.

Header Image Source: Getty