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If You Aren't A Republican, Which One Would You Want in the White House?

By Dan Whitley | Politics | November 18, 2015 |

By Dan Whitley | Politics | November 18, 2015 |

If you’re a centrist like me, election cycles remind you of being the fat kid in gym class. The camps flounce about, courting the base, only to pirouette and say that who they truly care about is You, the Average American. Meaning I have to sit here and try to lend a shred of credibility and patience to everyone running. But with the Republicans this year, that’s more fun than it sounds. There’s so many that the law of averages demands at least one of them be a tolerable president for non-Republicans. So here’s a breakdown of the GOP field, from the perspective of someone is not a Republican, but could vote for an electable one.

Jeb Bush

Apparently there are Americans who are willing to practice pseudo-nepotism, as Jeb’s election would bring the Bush family record to 4 of the last 8 presidential terms. Good thing his campaign’s on life support. Save for Carson, Jeb is the most boring man in the field. He is the embodiment of why everyone’s One Racist Uncle hates the GOP establishment. His being in office would probably just be stagnant rather than outright awful. That’s about the best backhanded compliment I can muster.

Rand Paul

This guy sounds like some surfer bro who took an economics night class and now thinks he can fix just, like, everything, bruh. We might rail against the media’s hyperattention to image, but there’s something to be said for the fact that a president should seem presidential. Even if you liked Romney, you have to admit that the guy was as presidential as a mannequin, and Congressman Paul the Lesser is no better. That said, I think Paul would be tolerable, right up until the government collapses because he refuses to sign a damn thing into law. His stance against government surveillance is attractive enough. Sure, his foreign policy leaves something to be desired, but I’ll take it over someone like Lindsay Graham, whose foreign policy stance is more violent than a Slayer album.

Mike Huckabee

Fuck this guy with a beehive. Anyone with the gall to monetize the presidential campaign process and advantage himself thereupon deserves nothing less.

Donald Trump

I am actually a huge proponent of Donald Trump, specifically his wall project, for the singular reason that I am deathly afraid of kaiju invasion. The massive endeavor would be perfect training for when we are forced to wall off the entire Pacific Ocean to keep out extraplanetary monsters. Not to mention the extreme expansion of our military-industrial complex required to man such walls. C’mon people, we can’t crowdfund the Jaeger Project. Do you think Bernie Sanders is gonna sign off on Gypsy Danger? Like hell! Let’s thump ‘em with Trump.

Marco Rubio

If Jeb Bush gets the nod, I hope to hell he picks Rubio as his running mate just to piss off Trump’s legions of racists. It says a lot when the best thing you have going for you is “Maybe he’d be a decent veep?”

Ben Carson

I have this fear of my teeth falling out. This is odd because I don’t have bad teeth. Ben Carson is that fear made manifest. When I hear him speak, I flash back to sleepless nights thinking I can hear my molars clawing free to roam abroad looking for molasses pits to wallow in before dying in violent and pitted ecstasy. Seriously, when he opens his mouth I think he’s on the verge of dropping dead. It’s awful. I sit there going “Sir, you are about to die. You’re a doctor, you should know this, please let us help.” Somehow he’s the arguable frontrunner. I’m sure his diagnosis for my nightmare tooth problem would be that I don’t own a firearm. You should vote for him if and only if that makes perfect sense to you.

Jim Gilmore

This guy was once my state’s governor and I completely forgot he was running until I started writing this article. As far as how well he did as governor… he was, y’know, there, I guess. That’s what I’d expect from him in the White House too.

John Kasich

I don’t know a lot about him but his face reminds me of Vladimir Putin so hell yes he has my vote if it comes down to it.

Chris Christie

I like Christie, because I know where I stand with him. “The devil you know,” and all that. He has skeletons, and I’ve made the conscious decision not to hold it against him. Besides, they aren’t even stains on the toilet bowl compared to the monumental turd-polishing that Clinton will have to pull off with Benghazi and/or her email fiasco for some people. But Christie is the only one in the GOP field running on the idea of compromise. He and his Democratic legislature get work done. It’s depressing that willingness to compromise and govern is a selling point for a candidate.

Lindsay Graham

White Idi Amin without the disarming laugh or claims to Scottish royalty.

Carly Fiorina

I admit that I feel weird as all hell about Fiorina. She’s the poster-woman for WASP Moms. I think she’s fit to run an HOA, and that’s about it. But she stood up to Trump in a very classy way. And I appreciated that, because it’s indicative of her having spine and positive pride, which we want in a president. I’d call her the worst of the best of the GOP at the moment.

Rick Santorum

Can you guys believe Frothy Rick is running again? I know, I forgot too! What a time to be alive. Bless him.

Bobby Jindal

Jindal is like a television show where the pilot is awesome and then every single moment you spend with the show beyond that defies your original excitement and makes you question where the hell your brain was at that time. Vote for him only if you can convince yourself that he’s blowing hot air up some Tea Party ass in order to win votes. Or if you hate refuges and compassion.

Ted Cruz

He’s Canadian. He can’t run or be voted for. Yes, this idea holds as much water as the birther movement. As does his candidacy.

Christ, what a mess. I guess Christie is my winner in the 2016 GOP field. Or Kasich, if he can get his head right about women. If we wind up with a Republican president, at least let it be someone who’s willing to govern. Unless Trump promises Jaegers, of course.

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