Howard Schultz Has Finally United America ... Around Loathing Him
Look at that man! Who would vote for him? There are no Democrats who are like, “You know what? I was really hoping for the opportunity to vote for another rich, white billionaire with no political experience. Sign me up!” And there are no Republicans who are like, “Trump is not rich and white enough for us. Let’s vote for the upscale coffee guy!” So, Schultz is banking on a small slice of pie in the middle who think, “Who the hell is Howard Schultz.”
Schultz’s campaign is basically already dead. It took about one news cycle to chew him up and spit him out, but I think it’s incumbent upon us to stomp on the coffin, anyway, to make sure he never climbs out again. Also, because it is fun.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz gets heckled at an event in New York after announcing he may run for president as an independent— Ryan Saavedra (@RealSaavedra) January 29, 2019
“Don’t help elect Trump you egotistical, billionaire a**hole!” pic.twitter.com/8eGxlqkqLJ
That heckler would get more votes than Howard Schultz right now. Michael Bloomberg has already ruled out an independent run, because there’s no chance in hell for a third-party candidate to win. “The data was very clear and very consistent. Given the strong pull of partisanship and the realities of the electoral college system, there is no way an independent can win. That is truer today than ever before.” And Schultz thinks he can do better than a wealthier billionaire with more name recognition and some goddamn political experience? Is there any wonder that Trump actually wants him to enter the race?
Trump told the crowd at the Trump Hotel tonight fundraiser that he was trying to get Howard Schultz into the race with his tweet earlier today because he thinks he'll help him, per attendee.— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) January 29, 2019
And are we that sure he won’t help the Democrat, anyway?
The other thing about Schultz, and why it's weird that people are so certain he'd help Trump, is that folks aren't really thinking about what it would look like to have, say, Kamala Harris* on a debate stage against two old billionaires arguing for rollbacks to the welfare state.— Nate Silver (@NateSilver538) January 29, 2019
There’s nothing out there for you, Schultz, but a year-and-a-half of hecklers, of getting beat up on by the media, and of being mocked for answers like this:
Via @Politico— Julia Hood (@julia_hood) January 29, 2019
Asked what he thought the corporate tax rate should be, he said, “I don’t want to talk in the hypothetical about what I would do if I was president.” Memo to Howard [Schultz]: That’s called “running for president.”
In 24 hours, Howard Schultz has gone from Starbucks CEO Emeritus to a man reviled by both political parties, and the only thing he has accomplished is to stir antipathy and hostility toward Starbucks. Honestly, I’m drinking Starbucks coffee right now, and it’s never tasted better, because it’s chockful of billionaire tears.
The only saving grace here is that Schultz seems charismaless and just unlikeable. So really no downside to crapping on him and generally dragging him.— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) January 29, 2019
So, let’s drag him! For funsies!
Howard Schultz sponsored some Facebook ads for his MasterClass and all the comments are begging him not to run for president. pic.twitter.com/EJPo7uD2kw— Dave Weigel (@daveweigel) January 29, 2019
Howard Schultz's new book has one star on Amazon and three reviews. pic.twitter.com/WZjX72GBJg— andrew kaczynski (@KFILE) January 29, 2019
by the end of this week, the overlap between "people who have heard of Howard Schultz" and "people who want Howard Schultz to pay a top marginal tax rate of at least 70%" is gonna near close to a perfect circle— Kelsey D. Atherton (@AthertonKD) January 29, 2019
Howard Schultz has four tweets on his timeline. He got ratio’ed on every one of them. pic.twitter.com/CbvfU0ocpR— The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) January 29, 2019
Howard Schultz’s campaign launch has been an absolute disaster. I’ve never seen anything backfire at this level before. pic.twitter.com/kwXTCWmQwk— Calvin (@calvinstowell) January 29, 2019
Howard Schultz says he wanted to create unity in politics and he did it: everyone agrees that he should just shut up and go away.— Jared Holt (@jaredlholt) January 29, 2019
Finally, I leave you with this fun story via Byrd:
Howard Schultz is in the news, so here's my only Howard Schultz story. Back when I used to work in movie marketing we did a million dollar deal to advertise one of our films in every Starbucks location. It was a big initiative for Schultz, so he flew down to LA for the meeting.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
The next day, after everything was signed, Howard's assistant handed me a gift bag and said Howard had really enjoyed meeting me. I was stoked, this was the first gift I'd ever gotten from a billionaire.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
I took it back to my office, because I didn't want to make any of my colleagues jealous. I opened it up, and inside was an assortment of loose tea bags. What the fuck? I dumped them on my desk, dumbfounded, and that's when I saw it…— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
A Starbucks gift card, unlike any I had ever seen. Covered in shiny foil, this thing caught the light from every angle. It was beautiful. I was sure it was a lifetime gift card. I wondered how many were in existence. Surely less than a hundred.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
The next day I took it into Starbucks. I wondered if the barista had ever seen one in person. I imagined he might have to call his manager over, and his eyes would go wide, and they'd whisper about me in hushed tones, while the rest of the employees gathered around to gawk at it.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
I ordered a triple venti soy latte. I slid the magnificent card to the barista and waited for his reaction. I'll never forget his words: "You still owe fifteen cents."— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
To celebrate a million dollar deal, Howard Schultz gave me some loose tea bags and a five dollar gift card.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 28, 2019
I will not be voting for Howard Schultz for President, and I invite all of you to join me.
Header Image Source: Getty Images
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