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Howard Schultz Has Finally United America ... Around Loathing Him

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 29, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 29, 2019 |


Look at that man! Who would vote for him? There are no Democrats who are like, “You know what? I was really hoping for the opportunity to vote for another rich, white billionaire with no political experience. Sign me up!” And there are no Republicans who are like, “Trump is not rich and white enough for us. Let’s vote for the upscale coffee guy!” So, Schultz is banking on a small slice of pie in the middle who think, “Who the hell is Howard Schultz.”

Schultz’s campaign is basically already dead. It took about one news cycle to chew him up and spit him out, but I think it’s incumbent upon us to stomp on the coffin, anyway, to make sure he never climbs out again. Also, because it is fun.

That heckler would get more votes than Howard Schultz right now. Michael Bloomberg has already ruled out an independent run, because there’s no chance in hell for a third-party candidate to win. “The data was very clear and very consistent. Given the strong pull of partisanship and the realities of the electoral college system, there is no way an independent can win. That is truer today than ever before.” And Schultz thinks he can do better than a wealthier billionaire with more name recognition and some goddamn political experience? Is there any wonder that Trump actually wants him to enter the race?

And are we that sure he won’t help the Democrat, anyway?

There’s nothing out there for you, Schultz, but a year-and-a-half of hecklers, of getting beat up on by the media, and of being mocked for answers like this:

In 24 hours, Howard Schultz has gone from Starbucks CEO Emeritus to a man reviled by both political parties, and the only thing he has accomplished is to stir antipathy and hostility toward Starbucks. Honestly, I’m drinking Starbucks coffee right now, and it’s never tasted better, because it’s chockful of billionaire tears.

So, let’s drag him! For funsies!

Finally, I leave you with this fun story via Byrd:

Header Image Source: Getty Images