Thanks to wholesome, godly Christians making it very clear that, yes, America will totally elect a flagrantly corrupt president who may or may not be the tragic outcome of Adolf Hitler using a time-traveling tanning bed, the rhetoric surrounding billionaire philanthropist George Soros has rocketed from fringe conspiracy theory to the star of tweets directly from the White House. Por ejemplo:
The very rude elevator screamers are paid professionals only looking to make Senators look bad. Don’t fall for it! Also, look at all of the professionally made identical signs. Paid for by Soros and others. These are not signs made in the basement from love! #Troublemakers— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 5, 2018
So in this political hellscape where grown men have taken to calling themselves “Proud Boys” — someone already called dibs on “The Lil Klanscals” — and fighting in the streets to protect the sovereignty of white America or some shit, it was only a matter of time until one of these assholes remembered mail bombs are a thing.
From the New York Times:
The explosive device found in a mailbox at the home of George Soros, the billionaire philanthropist, on Monday afternoon was relatively small, a senior law enforcement official said on Tuesday.
The device was “proactively detonated” by bomb squad technicians from the Westchester County Police Department.
While that report is being quaint about goddamn explosives entering The Discourse on the heels of a Republican gubernatorial candidate threatening to stomp his opponent’s face with golf cleats, the obvious concern is whether my sweet Soros checks are still going to clear. Otherwise, I’m going to immediately stop caring about LGBT rights, gun control, police brutality, reproductive rights, letting girls be in Star Wars movies, and uh — *checks instructions* — drinking lots of soy so that I’m like a boy made of that soy. That stuff.
But jokes about the source of my income aside, you’ll never guess how the dark reality of a Holocaust survivor presumably being targeted by a practically mainstream neo-Nazi movement is already being spun:
InfoWars is already calling it a false flag. Incidentally, various conspiracy theorists and QAnon types have been going wild for the past few days with "rumors" (i.e. a random internet post) that said Soros would stage a false flag attack on a Democratic rally. pic.twitter.com/2klvkLM3Y3— Will Sommer (@willsommer) October 23, 2018
Ah, yes, mail bombing yourself to own the cons. That’s clearly what happened here, and I can’t wait to hear Donald Trump spoon trash internet theories into the eager mouths of his supporters. Should be any minute now, and your mom’s gonna love it.
That said, I couldn’t help but notice something in the NYT’s reporting, and if I’m reading it right, Soros is apparently a cop? (Did I use that right, young kids? I am very old.)
Though Mr. Soros’s name has become a trigger for a subset of Republicans and conservatives, he has said that his main goal as a political activist was to see a return to bipartisanship.
He has said it was the extremism of the Republican Party that had prompted him to become a major Democratic donor, but also said he is opposed to the extreme left.
“I don’t particularly want to be a Democrat,” he said.
So let me get this straight: The bogeyman who drives right-wingers so batfucking crazy that they’ve (allegedly) resorted to mail bombing would also get his ass dragged by Leftist twitter for being a corporatist centrist whore?
I’ll take that nuke war now. One mutually assured destruction, please.
Header Image Source: Getty