In the run-up to the 2016 election, I watched as a very close family member became frighteningly untethered from reality thanks to a steady diet of Military Facebook. I’m talking he went from being a liberal atheist who voted for Obama twice to a Confederate flag-loving, Blue Lives Matter-sharing, Trump voter who uses the term “fake news” with absolutely zero sense of irony. In hindsight, there were warning signs in the form of toxic masculinity, but I always chalked that up to being an active duty soldier and our conservative, rural upbringing. So this transition still felt like getting T-boned at an intersection you’d safely glided through for years.
Anyway, one of the talking points that was farted in my eye is that Trump will finally let the military “kick some ass” in the Middle East and he won’t be like “that pussy Obama who was too worried about the gay agenda.” He-Man Trump will also lock down the border, which I should be happy about because I have kids, and now they’ll be safe from the Muslims pouring in who “want to blow up Starbucks.” (Which Muslims are those, you ask? All of them. Every single one of them. Yeah…) But the main theme here is that Trump is a f**king MAN’S MAN, and not some effete, arugula-eating intellectual who doesn’t have the BALLS to do what needs to be done.
To piggyback off of Knava’s post, conservatives 100 percent believe that this is an accurate representation of our strapping 45th president:
There’s just one small problem: Your boy is a chickenshit.
And he’s such a chickenshit that I didn’t even have to go back further than the past 24 hours to find three examples of President Beefcock Kickass IV completely shitting the bed when it came time to nut up. Turns out, a grown man who will only eat at McDonald’s routinely acts like a punk. Who saw that coming? Besides the 65 million Americans who handed Hillary Clinton the popular vote.
1. Saudi Arabia
On Tuesday morning, Trump issued an official statement on the insanely f**ked-up murder of Jamal Khashoggi, which the CIA is pretty goddamn sure was ordered by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. But Trump has business ties to Saudi Arabia and he’s not about to denounce the killing of some journalist — he hates those guys — so instead, our president signed his name to a document that literally starts with the words, “The world is a very dangerous place!”
Tell us more, President Rambo Bignuts. (Emphasis mine even though I’m genuinely astonished this direct assault on America’s intellect didn’t use all-caps or bold tags out the wazoo.)
Representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an “enemy of the state” and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, but my decision is in no way based on that - this is an unacceptable and horrible crime. King Salman and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman vigorously deny any knowledge of the planning or execution of the murder of Mr. Khashoggi. Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event - maybe he did and maybe he didn’t!
DAMN. Strong words for the Commander-in-Chief who’s totally going to kick ass and take names in the Middle East. Although, in fairness, it’s not like Saudi Arabia had direct ties to an unprecedented terrorist attack that left close to 3,000 Americans dead, and Trump went, “Hmm, shit. Could we maybe invade some other countries instead?”
That would be messed up.
2. Bailing on the troops
While President Hercules SwingingDick blew the Saudi royal family via press release, the Washington Post reported that Trump has absolutely zero intentions of visiting the troops overseas because he’s a goddamn wuss.
Trump has spoken privately about his fears over risks to his own life, according to a former senior White House official, who has discussed the issue with the president and spoke on the condition of anonymity to speak candidly about Trump’s concerns.
“He’s never been interested in going,” the official said of Trump visiting troops in a combat zone, citing conversations with the president. “He’s afraid of those situations. He’s afraid people want to kill him.”
But, wait, there’s more! Apparently, President Scared Shitless really doesn’t want to be associated with any of the military activities happening in the Middle East. You know, the place where he’s finally going to kick more ass than Obama. In fact, according to WaPo, Trump describes the missions in Iraq and Afghanistan as “a total shame.”
I don’t know about you, but that seems a tad more disrespectful to the troops than, say, kneeling at a football game. But I clearly want my kids to be blown up in a Starbucks, so what do I know, amirite?
3. Not locking her up
This final example is actually an instance where Trump did something smart, but only in the eyes of rational people who understand how our government works. Or at least used to work until Republicans went, “You know what? Why can’t a racist baboon shit all over everything?” However, in the eyes of Trump voters, this is practically a cardinal sin because it involves President Bartholomew TerminatorBalls failing to #LockHerUp.
According to The New York Times, White House counsel Don McGahn reportedly talked Trump out of using the Justice Department to prosecute Hillary Clinton. Through methods that I can only assume involved sorcery and handpuppets, McGahn was able to drive home the point that going after Hillary would almost definitely end in impeachment.
Of course, I’m using logic instead of the part of the brain that thinks Mexicans are coming to annex my local Cracker Barrel, so let me see if I can put this in terms that Donald Trump’s base will understand:
President MAGA is a yeller belly who won’t lock her up ‘cause he might break a nail.
(Did I do it right? Am I getting through? Burn down an Applebee’s if you can hear me!)
Header Image Source: Getty