Colorado Representative and self-professed devout Christian Lauren Boebert apologized Friday after initially denying reports about her vaping and disruptive behavior during a family-friendly showing of the Beetlejuice musical in Denver this past Sunday. The 36-year-old separated grandmother and her date were kicked out by security after multiple complaints about their behavior. Boebert argued with theater security for an extended period before stomping out with a patented “Do you know who I am?” to theater staff. After, Boebert confirmed on Twitter that she was kicked out, without addressing patron accusations about vaping in the crowded theater or other inappropriate actions.

Her campaign manager, Drew Sexton, confirmed the two were kicked out while denying Boebert did more than sing along with the cast. “I can confirm the stunning and salacious rumors: in her personal time, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is indeed a supporter of the performing arts (gasp!) and, to the dismay of a select few, enthusiastically enjoyed a weekend performance of Beetlejuice, which the Denver Post itself described as ‘zany’, ‘outrageous’, and a ‘lusty riot,’” he told reporters, despite the clear video evidence.

In a Friday news dump, Boebert retracted her denial in an official statement after further video evidence showed that not only did Boebert repeatedly vape in the packed house, but that she and her date took the “lusty riot” description further than the venue intended.

Laurent Boebert was jerking her date off in public while he gropes her in a theater where children were present and yet she continues to attack LGBTQ people as "threats to children." pic.twitter.com/O9m9asmDou

— Alejandra Caraballo (@Esqueer_) September 15, 2023

Boebert, who often speaks for the Party of Family Values™ on the imaginary dangers of drag queens reading age-appropriate books to school children, first allows her date to grope her breasts with the clumsy intensity of a high schooler’s first time on second base. Ignoring the crowd around her she responds with an over-the-pants handjob, behavior mostly reserved for teenagers in the back row of an empty movie theater. On Friday, Boebert’s staff released a lengthy public statement that claims she “didn’t remember” vaping and apologizes for her behavior without addressing any of it. It reads in part:

“There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the past few months has made for a challenging personal time for me and my entire family. I’ve tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That’s unacceptable and I’m sorry.”

Boebert frequently falls short of her values when it comes to romantic entanglements. Jayson Boebert, to whom the Representative is still married, has a criminal record of public indecency and lewd exposure from a 2004 arrest after he waved his penis at a number of teenage girls, including the then-17yr old Lauren, outside a bowling alley. Jayson was 24 at the time, pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to 4 days in jail and 2 years of probation. Both he and Lauren were barred for life from the alley. He has also been accused of assaulting his teenage son, and in 2022 threatened his neighbors and destroyed their mailbox in a fit of pique after they asked his son to stop speeding down the road on his ATV. Lauren herself has been arrested at least 3 times for similar acts of public disruption.

I don’t judge people for getting it on. If Boebert wants some, she should get some. But maybe save it for a more appropriate venue, like during an empty matinee of Fast X or a Walmart parking lot. Instead, the hypocrisy and public indecency are so blatant that they’d have been career-ending before the GOP voted in a career criminal and sexual predator as President. It’s why Matt Gaetz, Boebert, and MTG continue serving office despite sexual misconduct and public tantrums. Their constant hammering on the LGBTQ community’s alleged threat to society, push for book bans, and enabling school gun violence while preaching about children’s safety is a farce. How is a trans person in a public bathroom a bigger threat to children’s innocence than public frottage between a married Congresswoman and her sex partner? Make it make sense. One of the public faces of the morality movement is on camera jerking off her date surrounded by hundreds of theater patrons, including kids. She encourages her date to grope her like he’s checking for lumps. Tuesday morning she’ll be back to harping on about trans women and Hunter Biden. Within a year or two she’ll be pregnant with a new aunt or uncle for her grandson, and the show will go on. It’s funny, sad, and pathetic at the same time; the modern GOP in a nutshell.