Chris Christie's Presidential Campaign Is Living On A Prayer

I learned who Chris Christie was when Hurricane Sandy ravaged the East Coast in 2012. I was not following politics very closely at the time. Like most 23-year-olds, I was more concerned with ordering bacon, sausage, and a Dutch from the bodega at 3 in the morning because they didn’t have a delivery minimum (that’s what we all did, right?). To put it mildly, my judgment wasn’t at its best. That makes sense because I saw Chris Christie welcome Barack Obama to damaged New Jersey and thought, “Here’s a reasonable politician.”

Chris Christie is a bully. He would be accused of withholding aid for the hurricane in exchange for political favors. The man caused massive traffic delays as revenge against the Mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey. It’s loser behavior that only got outshined because a more significant, whinier bully charged his way to the front of the Republican Party. Christie has spent most of his time since TFG emerged as party leader pitching himself as a calmer alternative (when he’s not shamelessly kissing Trump’s ass).

Christie is currently attempting to run against TFG for the Republican presidential nomination. He is again pitching himself as a more reserved candidate because he’s at least stopped short of hurling ketchup at the wall. Christie likes to talk a big game, saying he’s not afraid to talk tough to Trump. This may be true, but it will do him no favors if the man can’t avoid being a total dweeb. Spoiler alert: he can’t.

As part of his campaign, Christie, who has been vocally supportive of Ukraine, visited the embattled country. He did not travel empty-handed. Instead, he came with a gift that is classic, blue-collar New Jersey stuff. The candidate brought Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky a copy of the lyrics to the Bon Jovi song It’s My Life. Hand-written by Mr. Bovine Jovi himself! If there’s one thing people in war-torn countries are inspired by, it’s notes scribbled on a napkin by everyone’s second favorite blue-collar Jersey rock star!

I know the term “everything is a 30 Rock joke” gets tossed around a lot lately, but hell, this is damn close. Anyone familiar with the show will remember Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy hiring Bon Jovi as NBC’s artist in residence, only to have him play transition music and be used to flirt with women at parties. While this scenario is far less embarrassing for the ’80s rocker, there is still plenty of cringe to go around.

Just imagine being the president of a country that is besieged by a mega-power, and a representative of another mega-power swings by, offers support, and then hands you a cocktail napkin, expecting you to be impressed. In classic Chris Christie fashion, he’s doing something that seems noble at first but will likely come back to bite him in the ass. Republicans are still more than willing to support TFG if he wins the primary, and any move like this is just more ketchup in the water.