Fact: Brett Kavanaugh is the worst person you know.
Fact: This is true even if you don’t know Brett Kavanaugh
Fact: This is true even if you want to set aside for a second the fact that he’s a serial sexual assaulter. See, it’d be fairly easy to point at the repeated attempted(?) rapist, and say, “Oh, yeah, he’s by far the least good human I know.” But pretending for a second that he didn’t try to rape several women (even though he totally, totally did), Kavanaugh is still, by far, the goddamn worst. Let’s examine why:
1) He Does A Bunch Of Shit He Doesn’t Want People To Know About
It started with this tweet:
But you might remember he also said something similar about Georgetown Prep. Like exactly the same thing. Which means we know of at least three places where Kavanaugh didn’t want anyone outside of his close group of friends finding out what he’d been doing. And by “anyone” of course, we mean other men because who’s going to listen to one of those lady things, amirite? But here’s the important part.
2) As Recently As 2015, Brett Kavanaugh Used The Phrase “What Happens in (Blank), Stays in (Blank)”
You maybe can’t tell from my writing, but I started sighing about twenty minutes ago, and just haven’t stopped. In 2015. He made that joke. 2015. Seven full years after that line become so unfunny that it spawned its own unfunny movie, Kavanaugh is still throwing “What happens in (blank), stays in (blank)” into his shitty ass speeches (that one’s a freebie, y’all know they’re shitty).
I mean, that phrase was a stupid, douchey-bro, frat boy thing that assholes said to each other thirty years ago. It was never funny or cool. If you’ve ever said that, I want you to really think about what you’ve done. If you’re still saying it, you’re the worst person someone knows. It’s you. And here’s Brett Kavanaugh telling the entire world, “Not only do I do shitty things, but I make jokes about the shitty things I’ve done in ways that make anal fissures seem delightful.” Oh, and the fact that he’s telling people this? Important because:
3) He’s Fucking Telling People He Did Shitty Things, But That He’s Not Going To Tell People What Those Shitty Things Are
Let’s compare his behavior to that of your average person. Me, for example. I’m not the best person you know, but I’m not the worst either. I’m solidly mediocre. I’m just OK morally. A real Cincinnati person, through and through. And when I want to make jokes about things I should be ashamed of, but I’m not really because I secretly think they’re still cool, I pull roughly the same shit that Kavanaugh does. I’ll joke about still knowing the words to all of The Places That You’ve Come to Fear the Most because I would rock out to that album yesterday. I will refer to my college hairdo as “awesome until that Kate Plus Eight bitch stole it and made it for soccer moms,” but secretly, that platinum blonde, spiky look was the most badass I’ve ever been. I will sing along to “Get Another Boyfriend” because that song’s just awesome, BSB forever. Some things I love unironically.
And when Kavanaugh “jokes” about what a little scamp he used to be, pulling pranks and being wild with his boys, he’s bragging. He’s bragging about all of the drinking and fucking he used to do, but in a way that says, “Oh, you wouldn’t get it. It’s a private joke.” If you tell people about a private joke you have, you’re also the worst person someone knows. If you do more than one thing on this list, please consult your doctor.
None of which matters because now that Kavanaugh might be held responsible,
4) He’s Aghast That You’d Think He’d Do Things Like Drink And Fuck
Look, again, I’m not a very good person. But I feel like I was a decent enough person twenty years ago and have grown enough in the past twenty years that if you said, “So, did you drink and fuck a lot in college?”, I’d be, “Well, yeah.”
Because I spent a lot of college drinking too much and having unremarkable sex. (To be fair, I also made some lifelong friendships, went to some classes, developed a strong work ethic, and made out with a guy people called Pretty Eric. So you know, no ragrets and shit.) And if I got on national television telling the whole goddamn world about my virginal (and therefore innocent) and alcohol-less status as an undergrad, I know goddamn well my freshman year roommate would have some shit to say about that (Ilma, I know you’re out there, girl. Hit me up).
Kavanaugh, up until as recently as 2015, was telling people about all of the horrible shit he was doing, shit so bad he had to swear his friends to secrecy, in the most cringe-worthy way possible, and now has the gall to be offended that we don’t unconditionally take him at his word that he was basically a choir boy. That we would stoop low enough to question him about the shit he was bragging about as recently as three goddamn years ago. Because why the fuck good is it going to the most privileged schools and institutions in the country if you don’t get to make believe whatever the fuck you want whenever the fuck you want? Why even bother being in charge of everything if you have to, like, be held responsible for the things you say and shit? WHY EVEN BOTHER TELLING YOUR BROS “WHAT HAPPENS IN THE RAPE ROOM, STAYS IN THE RAPE ROOM” IF PEOPLE WON’T RESPECT THE COVENANTS OF THAT HOLY OATH?
So, yeah, Kavanaugh’s the worst. Plus he raped like four women, so that’s pretty rough too.
Header Image Source: Getty