Ted Cruz Drops Out. America, Witness Your Republican Nominee For President (Plus One Positive Side To It All)
This is not a think piece. I’ve expressed my Trump incredulity before.
This is not a smug, European missive. A rising fascist tide across our continent and the EU’s still-painful obliteration of Greek democracy would make that a move of putrid hypocrisy.
This is not a soothing essay, designed to ameliorate the pain of this turn of events by pointing out how, in a lot of ways, Cruz was far more dangerous than Trump, and probably more electable.
This isn’t a tangent on Bernie Sanders’ win in Indiana, and a rallying cry for him to take it all the way to the convention. It’s not even a poetic account of the massive grassroots campaign that he has catalysed that will continue to grow even if, as is looking depressingly likely, he does not secure the nomination.
No, today I’m taking a break from all of that. Today I’m tired.
Instead, I present here without comment, your Republican nominee for President of The United States. Drink it in, America:
Okay, I lied.
There will be one comment. One positive spin on things. But it won’t be mine. It’ll be from Reddit. Because sometimes Reddit has a way of saying things. Take it away, the_seventh_cohort:
I just want to remind everyone of something.
One of the most loathsome people to ever fucking live on this planet, Ted Cruz, backstabbed and fucked over every person he came in contact with for the past four years, forced his party into a bunch of no-win scenarios that made them look stupid and clueless, and generally called out everyone in his entire party as a bunch of commiesymp Islamolibs who want to dress up as a gay-married woman and fuck a child in a public bathroom. He did all of these things knowingly, burning every bridge he’s ever crossed, mauling every hand that’s ever fed him, all in service of one dream: He would become the Republican nominee in 2016 and win the Presidency and then the trail of blood and nightmares he left behind wouldn’t matter because fuck you I’m POTUS that’s why.
He sacrificed everything to this goal, and he’s going to lose to the political equivalent of the Fukushima meltdown. His strategy would (probably) have worked! It’s pretty clear that the JEB! never stood a chance regardless of how much money he raised because he’s a fucking walking Ambien who conservatives thoroughly despise, Scott Walker couldn’t even figure out how to hire someone who understood things like “a budget,” Ben Carson looks like an attractive candidate up until he has to speak in anything other than meaningless fortune-cookie platitudes, etc. All that work, all that planning, all that treachery, all that time.
ALL FOR FUCKING NOTHING AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
He’s been reaching for this brass ring his entire life, leaning farther and farther out from his carousel horse. What would he lose first, his balance, or his nerve? But he never flinched, leaning out further and further with each turn of the carousel, and then just before, just before his fingertip brushed it a tiny orange hand came out of nowhere and took that bitch right away from him, right in front of him, and there was never anything he could do to stop it. Now all that’s left is the fall.
There aren’t words in any language to describe the joy it brings me to see such a heinous, hateful motherfucker destroyed in such a gut-wrenching, miserable way. Tonight was the beginning of Ted Cruz’s descent to a talk radio host saying things like, “Well, when I was in the United States Senate, let me tell you…”
Ted is a mess. Ted is a waste.
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