A Sample Platter of the Best Stupid Feuds

By Nicole Edry | Politics | July 26, 2023 |

By Nicole Edry | Politics | July 26, 2023 |

It’s getting dumber and dumber out here, folks.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a sensation I can only describe as “hilarifying” — aka something that is equal parts hilarious and horrifying. And let me tell you, there’s nothing more hilarifying than the ridiculous “feuds” that have been dominating headlines in recent memory. I’m talking Brawndo-lovin’ trash talkin’ your mom near a chancla levels of idiocy. Also, “feud” may be a bit of a stretch because in many of these cases, it’s fairly one-sided, with the other side giving more of a Keke Palmer vibe than anything else.

Please join me in celebrating these moments of weirdly cathartic awfulness.

The GOP vs. Barbie and her definitely evil map
Conspiracy! Conspiracy most foul! In the background of Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie, there’s a map intended to illustrate Barbie’s journey into the Real World. And in that map is a detail so satanic, so nefarious, that it has the GOP clutching their collective pearls. Yup, I’m talking about an imaginary line on an imaginary map. As The Guardian notes, this is not a map that is in any way, shape or form geographically accurate. “It also depicts England as bordering Asia. With a crown on top.” Yet I don’t see The Firm out here hollerin’ about their crown jewels not being bloodstained enough for true accuracy.

The GOP drumming up idiotic culture wars is nothing new — remember the furor over Mr. Potato Head being gender neutral, as opposed to your standard gendered potato? Yet this feels extra especially stupid.

Tucker Carlson vs. Sneakered M&Ms
Yes, Tucker is no longer on Fox News and this isn’t the most recent feud, but it’s definitely one of the funniest. And the most revealing, if you ever found yourself thinking “I wonder which types of chocolate candy sentient bow ties are most attracted to?”

The answer is plain M&Ms. We know this because of the absolute hissy fit Tuckems threw when he first realized that his favorite candy was suddenly “less sexy” with her disgustingly sneakered feet. How dare she move away from her cartoon heels? This was a well he went to more than once, over the course of his unhinged tenure on what I’d like to remind you was Fox’s highest-rated program and the highest-rated cable news program on television. Here he is ranting about purple M&Ms being lesbian and the woke scourge that is clearly infiltrating Big Candy.

The next thing you know, Tony the Tiger won’t be sexily neckerchief-ing at us, and then who even are we as a nation anymore?

Kid Rock vs. Bud Light
It’s hard to say what’s the best/worst detail about Kid Rock “shooting” a case of Bud Light in retaliation for Anheuser-Busch temporarily embracing (before awkwardly backpedaling) a collaboration with trans activist, influencer, and all-around badass Dylan Mulvaney.

Is it the creepy chuckle followed by “Grandpa is feeling a little frisky today?” Is it the equally creepy and tonally random “Have a terrific day!” after flipping the bird at Bud Light? Is it the Kid Rock Fish Fry hoodie advertising what I can only guess is a trout where the only seasoning is your imagination? Or is it the fact that he sprayed a slew of bullets at a highly visible, large target about 10 feet away, yet the shots that actually destroyed the case clearly came from off-screen? As John Oliver pointed out when he scorched ‘Child Rock’ over this tantrum, “If there’s one thing that hurts a company, it’s destroying their product after it’s already been purchased.”

MTG vs Lauren Boebert vs. A Scrap of Dignity
Too much space has already been wasted on these Dollar Store Disney Villains so I won’t take up much more.

These two bozos have evolved from howler monkeys in arms heckling presidents during a State of the Union to bitter rivals. Just look at the latest mishegas from Marjorie Taylor Greene. This woman is somehow a member of Congress and she is openly using the term “little bitch” on the House floor while she and Boeber ma’amsplain to each other why their Biden impeachment was here first. Plus, she’s resurrecting this edgy new insult for someone who in no way, shape or form should be compared to Boebert: former Hague war crimes prosecutor Jack Smith.

I don’t know if this feud has a winner — although the latest round went to Lauren after booting her frenemy from the Freedom Caucus — but I do know who the loser is. It’s us. All of us.