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Why Does Ryan Gosling Look Like a Cross Between Sloth in Goonies and Will Smith's Allergic Reaction in Hitch?

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | March 28, 2012 |

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | March 28, 2012 |

Afternoon, folks. I’m feeling extraordinarily pissy, so please excuse today’s ALL CAPS links with a little side of crazy. Joanna will return tomorrow and bring some much-needed serenity along with her.

I think every kid who wants to see Bully should see Bully, and I echo TK’s sentiment that the MPAA can suck it. I’m also happy that a lot of celebrities are promoting the documentary. However, last night, I swear to God, I got a press release from a publicist listing all the celebrities that have RETWEETED a tweet supporting the movie. A celebrity clicking a button on their smart phone IS NOT NEWS. But a post about celebrities retweeting their support totally is. Here’s a link! (Buzzfeed)

But leave it to the wingnut wing of the conservative wingnuts to find a way to turn the Bully promotion into some sort of Commie leftist agenda: “The Left has embraced and is pushing through popular culture this noxious anti-bullying campaign, which is just a Trojan horse way to further criminalize speech they disagree with.” YES, THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Our efforts to prevent dickheads from pummeling our kids’s faces is all a ruse to kill your First Amendment rights. I link to this place SO YOU KNOW ASSHOLES LIKE THIS EXIST IN THE WORLD. I’m trying to provoke your self-righteous anger. Won’t someone please play along? Come on trolls. Someone pick a fight with me today. (Big Hollywood)

Here is a bloody awesome “Firefly” print series that you should really check out, AND NO, SHUT UP, WE WILL NEVER LET IT GO. (Unreality)

Reality has once again disturbed the movie marketing world, as the movie Neighborhood Watch has pulled its promos in the wake of the Trayvon Martin killing. (Slashfilm)

Speaking of Trayvon Martin, Geraldo Rivera has finally offered a very sincere and hearfelt apology for the stupid fucking bullshit comments he made about the dangers of Hispanic and Black youths wearing hoodies: “I apologize to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my ‘very practical and potentially life-saving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies.’” Thanks for that you lousy blathering sewer spigot. (VideoGum)

WARNING: If you allow your children to play video games online, they may be exposed to profanities and racial slurs. Thank you local news for warning us about the dangers of the motherfucking obvious. (Kotaku)

Megan Fox is apparently pregnant. Oh my fucking God, that poor kid will be born with amazing bone structure and into a life of wealth and privilege. PITY THAT POOR CHILD. (Evil Beet)

There is photographic evidence now that Jason Segal is dating Michelle Williams, which gives every guy who is not fantastically slim, trim, and fit hope that he, too, can one day bang Jen Lindley so long as he is also rich, funny, tall and super adorbs. (Gawker)

The Avengers soundtrack is going to be awesome, if you’re super into riff-heavy 90’s bands like Papa Roach, Bush, and Scott Weiland. Soundgarden’s first new song in 15 years will also be on the soundtrack, and you can preview it here. (Nerd Approved)

The goddamned media, man. They’re all like: Don’t eat red meat, you will die! Eat more chocolate, you will be skinny!! Oh, and now you can shed pounds by eating unroasted coffee bean extract!!! YUM. Hardly, assholes. Pull your head out and get some sunshine, boys. (HealthNewsReview)

If you liked Drive (and you should), you may be excited to know that Gosling has re-teamed with director Nicolas Winding Refn for Only God Forgives, about a Bangkok police lieutenant and a gangster who settle their differences in a Thai-boxing match. That picture above (and the many more in this link) is what we have to look forward to. (Buzzfeed)

Listen: When a Holocaust survivor says that an Adam Sandler movie is the worst thing he’s ever seen, you know that shit is bad. (Movieline)

If you’re not following along, the line of questioning from conservatives on the Supreme Court does not bode well for Obama’s health care plan. The conservatives have made some very good points, to my dismay. However, Scalia’s understanding of economics is a little suspect. (Slate)

Joanna has expressed a fondness for Fat Kilmer, and I can’t say I blame her. He’s super fun. He also believes that Jon Stewart is a modern-day Mark Twain. (Vulture)

So, Alicia Silverstone pre-chews her food and spits it into her 10-month olds mouth and then puts it on YouTube. I haven’t read anything about that practice in my parenting books, but at least she’s not chewing placenta and spitting that into her kids mouth. Silverstone and January Jones could join forces and form the basis for the most disgusting reality-show mom ever. (WarmingGlow)

The world’s love affair with Charming Potato? Just give in to it. There’s no point in fighting it any longer, as he’s now lining up for a Wachowski film. POTATOES IN SPAAAAAACE. (FilmDrunk)

Hey Twitterers: If you find out that someone has unfollowed you, it’s probably because they don’t like you or you smell bad. But it’s possible it’s because of a Twitter Unfollow bug. (Uproxx)

This has actually been around for a year, but it’s making the rounds again, and lauren rightfully believes that it’s an annual must see: Christopher Walken Reading (and Editorializing) Where the Wild Things Are.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.