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This Woman Out-Sexes Any Half-Naked TV Tartlet. She Will Wreck You And You Will Thank Her.

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | September 2, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | September 2, 2011 |

I am hearing you my more puritanical Pajibans. You have had it with the “Community” spankfest photos and the mildly exposed derriere of Olivia Munn. So I present to you a less lurid image of sexuality. The knowing gaze of the lovely Patricia Clarkson. Here’s the first promo of her as Ron Swanson’s OTHER ex-wife Tammy on “Parks and Recreation.” In my opinion, they couldn’t have made a better choice. (Warming Glow)

While we’re on the subject of lurid sexuality, let us discuss this mother who put fake boobs and a fake bum on her toddler for a Dolly Parton beauty pageant routine. Listen, we’d shove sh*t under our shirts and do Dolly impressions when I was a kid. There’s nothing terribly depraved about it. But in the already sexually charged context of the pageant world? It becomes downright disgusting. That’s just my opinion. Feel free to advocate for this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mother. I won’t judge you. Honest. (Celebitchy)

I feel gross, let’s spend some time with kids just being kids. I’ve linked to this tumblr before, but Tracer Bullet sent it to me again this morning and I want you to check out the girl seven or eight photos down. You’ll know her when you see her. SASS FOR DAYS. (Girls Love Superheroes)

Ah, but it’s not just kids who love Superheroes. Here’s an artistic cosplay gallerybrimming with grown-up Superheroes and Star Wars characters. (Fashionably Geek)

But according to Darren Franich over at “Entertainment Weekly,” we “grown-ups” should let go of our Star Wars love and, consequently, our anger at Lucas for continuously meddling. Star Wars (the original three) may, in fact, be a sort of hokey holdover from our youth, but it’s frustrating that those films don’t exist on a modern format that we can a) watch with nostalgia or b) share with our kids/the kids in our lives. As someone sensible pointed out on Twitter today, all this would blow over if Lucas just released the original films as an option on DVD. Let the dorks choose. (EW)

Siiiiiigh, sorry, that got away from me. I know movies only exist to some of you as mindless entertainment. An excuse to turn your brain off. That must be the explanation for this experiment to determine whether or not movie patrons would notice if their popcorn was several weeks old. You guessed it, they didn’t. Instead of tubs, why don’t they just sell the popcorn in feedbags we can strap to our faces? For f*cks sake. (GOOD)

Though I suppose death by popcorn is not the worst way to go. Me? I’d much prefer to have shuffled off this mortal coil during 1814: London Beer Flood. “9 people were killed (some drowned, some died from injuries, and one succumbed to alcohol poisoning) when 323,000 imperial gallons (1,468,000L) of beer in the Meux and Company Brewery burst out of their vats and gushed into the streets.” Where did I learn this? Only on the coolest/most morbid Wikipedia page ever! “Unusual Deaths.” (Wikipedia)

Okay, I’m not going to go so far as to say this columnist deserves an unusual death, but the man who said, “It is profoundly antisocial and un-American to empower the nonproductive segments of the population to destroy the country — which is precisely why Barack Obama zealously supports registering welfare recipients to vote,” does not understand the concept of DEMOCRACY. AND THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. And, seriously, I’m not usually the one quoting the Declaration of Independence in these debates. Shall we go back to slavery, sir? Would that please you? (TPM)

Ahem, sorry, let’s talk about buying things. That’s profoundly American, right? Amazon has great deals all next week on some of your favorite TV shows. Um, except Wednesday. Let’s just ignore Wednesday. Thanks, jM! (Amazon)

And while we’re talking favorite TV shows, the AV Club has put together a solid list of the worst episodes of great shows. I can’t argue with their “BtVS” choice, but I may take issue with their “Firefly” selection. For me, I’ll nominate “Aliens of London” and World War Three” from “Doctor Who.” Do you know how many people have stopped watching because of that episode? Farting aliens take over the government?!? Christ almighty. (AV Club)

And while we’re on the subject of flatulence, here’s a product marketed specifically to ladies who are embarrassed that they, well, poop. Um, EVERYBODY POOPS…sometimes…so hold on. (Jezebel)

You know what’s worse that a b*tch who poops? One who burns the coffee. Oh yeah, according to these commercials (from Folgers, I think), a b*tch who can’t make coffee is not worth having. Frankly, I’m surprised none of these women got the back of their husband’s hand.

And while Folgers was busy working to build the perfect woman, Google has been hard at work making the perfect man. Check out GMale. Honestly? It’s just the appropriate level of creepy.

Joanna Robinson can tell by your comments that you like a woman to be sexy, but not TOO sexy. Joanna Robinson? She’s a really good listener.

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