Happy Tuesday, crumpets! How many of you out there are thinking of/have thought of writing a book? Well, just as Patton Oswalt holds up Death Bed, The Bed That Eats as an inspiration for frustrated screenwriters, I present you aspiring novelists with these books. Yes, they’ve actually been published. How much worse could your writing be? (Buzzfeed)
And how much would you enjoy the following book? So much, Pajibans. So much. (Uproxx)
When I saw these super fancy robot trash cans the UK is planning to roll out for the Olympics all I could think was FEED SOME DAMN HOMELESS PEOPLE WITH THAT MONEY YOU D*CKS. (DesignTaxi)
The big news surrounding Ms. Beyoncé today is how unbelievably and suspiciously fit she looks after giving birth. I mean, the woman has hips in these photos…but she always has. This, of course, feeds into the whole “She Was Never Pregnant To Begin With” conspiracy theory. Which is batsh*t. The six (SIX) nannies she and Jay-Z hired to raise that child? Well, all I can say is that better be the prettiest, smartest, most talented child to ever walk the face of this planet. SIX? Damn. (Evil Beet)
I don’t want to harsh on this Romanian model too much. The internet is doing a fine job of that. But I will say that her disfigured figure inspired me to make home fries for breakfast. Terrifying. (BioTV)
Speaking of stupid sh*t people do to their bodies, here’s an impressive array of folks who have had brand logos tattooed on their bodies. That Lacoste tattoo is the best birth control method I have ever seen. (The Curious Brain)
The Mary Sue ran a cute little fan art contest calling for Superheroines In Comfy Pants. I wanna hang with that first Wonder Woman. (The Mary Sue)
Star-Spangled sweats is what I bet good ol’ Wonder Woman wears when she shops online. But pretty soon she, you and everyone you know will be able to shop Amazon in person. They’re rolling out an Amazon store in Seattle and looking to expand. I thought shopping in your sweats (or pantsless) was half the charm of Amazon. (Gawker)
Speaking of pantsless behavior, this interesting look at film Piracy and why it will never go away was written by one of my internet favs, Paul Tassi. I don’t agree with all of his arguments, but he makes some excellent points on how studios could better combat/compete with outfits like Pirate Bay. (Forbes)
One of the business models Tassi explores is in that Forbes article is Netflix. You can’t beat the convenience of online streaming. Many, however, would argue with the quality of films available. That’s why a huge percentage of Netflix views last year were spent on TV series. What do you watch on Netflix? (LA Times)
The lovely folks over at The Film Experience have ranked Meryl Streep’s Oscar worthy performance. Um…BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY?!?! I cannot, however, argue with their #1. (The Film Experience) On the other hand, I will argue that Viola Davis should win the Oscar this year. Much as I love Meryl and that Marylin girl, Viola made me cry during a film adaptation of a book I hated. That’s some good actressing. Check out her gorgeous photo shoot and interview with the LA Times. (Celebitchy)
Speaking of delicious dishes, our very own lovely Tamatha has a fantastic Bundt Cake blog. Have you drooled enough today? Even her “failures” look delightful. (Bundt Cake Season)
People, if you don’t like cake, then you should look at your life, look at your choices. If you didn’t like The Artist then, well, you’re beyond saving. In bawl your eyes out news, the darling dog from The Artist, Uggie, has a neurological disorder. Eff you too, universe. (Screen Junkies)
And speaking of pint-sized cuties, this one is for all you Daniel Radcliffe fans out there. (You know, those of you who showed up in The Woman In Black review to yell “LEAVE DANIEL ALONE.”) Here’s a sweet and charming interview with Dan about how he prepared for his role, etc. etc. I like the kid. Still don’t like the movie. (Den Of Geek)
Let’s take a trip down the pop culture rabbit hole with this “Follow The TV Reference” game.
And while we’re down the rabbit hole, let’s take a side by side look at Ferris Bueller and Matthew Broderick. Or not. You don’t have to look. It’s pretty goddamn depressing.