Before I give you people the linkahol that you so desperately, desperately crave, I’m going to go ahead and address the elephants in the room here. To those who don’t necessarily like my writing: well, that’s okay I guess. It’s not like I can please goddamn everyone here. To those who regularly bitch and moan: Anytime time you want to take the fucking Gobi Desert out of your metaphorical vaginas would be nice.
It’s a goddamn link-dump, for Christ’s sake; if you’re expecting anything other than gossip and other media-related tidbits, clearly you are on the wrong page, and your inability to click on any of the other articles on the front page leads me to believe that you have a severe case of “Dumbfuckitis”. Yes, there are some sites I have to link to on a regular basis because they link back to us; that’s how a link-dump works. If you don’t like it, send in your own links instead of sitting around and doing nothing while you complain that someone should really do something about that new guy. Same goes for the other writers: If you don’t like our writing, fuck off back to Ain’t It Cool News or I Don’t Like You In That Way.
In conclusion: I would tell you to please bite my critically-acclaimed ass, but quite frankly you couldn’t afford it. Now onto the links.
Do you love sex? Do you love Kristen Schaal? Do you love sex advice from Kristen Schaal? Well, you probably will anyway because this shit is hysterically funny, and because you’ll never get the mental image of Amish Museum-sex out of your head. (The Nerve)
You guys apparently liked the last 80’s cartoon quiz so much, that the good folks at Litely Salted decided to make another one! Yay! While the idea of a Popple still confuses me (animals tearing themselves inside out? What kind of kids show is this?), this one includes some Beetlejuice love, and that show was so amazing. (Litely Salted)
So TMZ got pictures of Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent together at a bar in New Orleans, which obviously means that Penis A is being inserted into Vagina B as we speak. That’s how you people do it, right? (popbytes)
By now, most of you are probably all too familiar with the cover of the Twilight books, right? Well as it turns out, the hand model they used for the first book is batshit crazy. As in, she spends her days walking around with an Apple in her purse just so she can recreate the cover for complete strangers. Yeah. (Agent Bedhead)
Oh Jesus Tap-Dancing Christopus no. You guys know that Fred Figglehorn guy? He’s the one who became Youtube-famous for making videos using a squeaky voice because children suck at comedy? Yeah, well Marvel auditioned him for the Runaways movie, and I’m just going to go ahead and blame this one on Disney and the internet. You both suck. (Film Drunk)
And just fuel to your rage towards anyone under the age of eighteen just a tiny bit more, MTV and Ashton Kutcher are bringing back Punk’d, and they’re making Justin Bieber the host. Would you all excuse me for a second? I have to go murder a teenager. (Warming Glow)
What if I told you that this link contained pictures of Christina Hendricks sucking and blowing? Oh, you’ve already clicked it, haven’t you? Well, sorry for the disappointment. She still looks super pretty though, doesn’t she? (Celebslam)
For those of you excited about the Superman re-re-reboot (there are, what, five of you? Yeah, that sounds about right) I have some bad news: The reason Zack Snyder jumped on board was because the script was rushed out and the whole thing is just printed sadness and failure. Fuck. (Gamma Squad)
Just when you thought Tim Gunn couldn’t get any more awesome, he opened up about his own suicide attempt for the It Gets Better Campaign. See? Don’t you kids want to grow up to be as awesome as Tim Gunn? Well you can, and all the little shits who are bullying you for being gay don’t have a chance in blue hell. (Celebitchy)
I know for a lot of you, football stories are like your Achilles heel mixed with Kryptonite, but here goes: During a high school football game in Washington, both teams agreed to let a player with Down Syndrome score the final touchdown of the game. I’m sorry, something got in my eye. H/T to Scorzi! (Yahoo)
No offense to James Franco or anything, but a career as a drag queen really is not in his future. Yipes, dude. Don’t quit your day job. Seriously, don’t, we love your movies. (Towleroad)
You know what’s bad? Firefighters refusing to put out a fire because a guy didn’t pay his $75 subscription fee. Know what’s worse? Glenn Beck mocking the man on his show. Is it possible to die of terminal crazy or something like that? Please say yes. (AngryBlackLadyChronicles)
Yes, yes, I know, Inception came out like three months ago, but fuck it, this movie will never die. It is just that good. Anyway, here’s a 50’s style trailer for the movie sent in by Penelope.