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Love Hurts, Love Scars, Love Wounds, and Mars

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | February 14, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | February 14, 2011 |

Hey all you caustic cynics and indifferent eye-rollers, blech to Valentine’s Day, right? Who needs it? Manufactured by greeting card companies, responsible for the worst sweet this side of candy corn (message hearts, double blech), just the stupidest holiday ever. That’s why I have made something just for you. An anti-love Pajiba Love. Let’s eschew with the cupids and the doilies, and roll around in the Hate Spackle until we get all sticky. Oh and don’t tell those lovesick mooncalves, but I have a treat for you. All the links now open in a new tab when you click. That’s right, I just made your interneting lazier, because I love you.

In Hate news this morning, there’s an entire tumblr (whyyyy is there no “e” in that word?) dedicated to people who are outraged that Arcade Fire won a Grammy last night. These are people who’ve never heard of the band. People like…ROSIE O’DONNELL?!?! (Who Is Arcade Fire)

I know not all of you hate today, you just give no f*ck. So let’s treat this like any other day, shall we? Here’s an article that is, in fact, a lovefest dedicated to one of the best sitcoms you’ve never seen: “Party Down.” It’s a looooooong oral history of the show with youtube clips and interviews with Adam Scott (you like him!), Jane Lynch (you love her!) and Paul Rudd (you want to have his dancing babies!). So click away and if you see something you like, all of “Party Down” is on Netflix Instant Watch. I’m just saying, there are worse ways to spend the night. (Details)

Celebitchy must love me and know I have no eye candy of my own to oggle today as they have thoughtfully provided this round-up of sultry gents from the United Kingdom (plus Zachary Quinto). The Llewellyn in me wonders why there’s no Welshman. I’ll just close my eyes and think of Ioan Gruffudd. I urge you to do the same. (Celebitchy)

Let’s look at these awkward questions first-daters have to worry about asking…and point…and laugh. (OK Cupid)

Here’s another link, my dears, that has nothing to do with the holiday or luvaaaahs. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure book cover. . .Lost-style. (Fuck Yeah Lost)

Cracked, the king of listmakers, and listmaker to kings, has collected for you the six most cynical exploitations of romantic love. I would have been more surprised by the prevalence of spy stories, but I watched “Alias” all the way through. (Cracked)

Nothing will put you out of the Valentine’s Day spirit like this card from Jersey Shore’s Snooki. Seriously, it’s worse than that naked family Christmas card. Boobs for days. (Evil Beet)

Thith? Thith ith thpectacular I can’t contain my love thpackle. (Craigslisp)

A Valumtimes’ Day tradition in my house is this Teen Girl Squad episode. If you don’t know Teen Girl Squad, I truthfully don’t know how to explain it. It’s absurd. It’s amazing. It will have you saying “Tech-no-logical Ro-mance.” (Homestar Runner)

Slate has a video exploring the worst in Valentine-themed movies. Full disclosure, I haven’t watched it alllll the way through yet, but I’m hoping against hope that when I do, that David Boreanaz flick gets a mention. (Slate)

You may know the Nazareth version of this song the best, my little wounded puppies, but for my money, nobody does heartache like Roy Orbison. So if you choose to wallow today, this ought to be your soundtrack.

Finally, nobody slathers the bitter Hate Spackle like Rob Gordon. Here he goes, laying it on with a trowel.

Joanna Robinson gets confused every time she looks at the headline for this column. “And Mars?” What about the other planets?!?! Two P. Loves in one day may have broken her feeble Link Wench brain. Send any brain fixes to [email protected]

Love Is a Many Splendored Thing, Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong, All You Need Is Love | Gnomeo and Juliet Review: Not Stepping O'er the Bounds of Modesty