Greetings mouthbreathers and hellspawn … wait, that’s TK. Let me try again. Good afternoon, my naughty bits and peachy lips. No. That’s not going to work, either. I don’t have a talent for nicknames that don’t involve genitalia and I can’t weave links into a narrative, but I’ll be filling in for JoRo today, as she recovers from I Shouldn’t Have Chased That with Tequila Shots Con 2011.
Like half the world, I have a Twitter crush on Chrissy Teigen, swimsuit model, girlfriend of John Legend, lover of bacon and wine, and Twitter’s most eloquent celebrity sassmouth. She’s started a new food blog, and it’s my cursory understanding that, if you follow the recipes precisely as written, John Legend will show up in your dreams and sing you lullabies, like my favorite. (So Delushious)
There are rumors circulating right now that, if true, would combine two of our favorite geek obsessions. The 9th Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, may be joining “Game of Thrones” as Stannis Baratheon. (The Mary Sue)
And while we’re on the subject of “Doctor Who,” guess who was “allegedly” found naked in the hallway of her New York City hotel at 7 a.m. following a night of “riotous” partying? If you said number one on my Freebie list, you’d be absolutely right. (Warning: Daily Mail rumor, so there’s a 93 percent chance it’s false. But, it won’t stop me from imagining it). (Warming Glow)
Did any of you catch Cars 2 over the weekend and find yourself wondering, in a universe where Cars can talk, can they also procreate? Are there car abortions? Are there socio-economic classes? Answers to these questions and several other unsettling ones that your children may ask can be found at (Film.com)
I know how much many of you love and appreciate the Hulu, but it’s not doing that well. It’s trying to sell itself, but — with contracts running out and networks streaming their own content — it may not find much interest. Its future looks grim. (Uproxx)
Star Wars’ Chewbacca now has his own movie review website. There’s only two reviews so far, but they are seriously spot on. (Chewbacca Movie Reviews)
If you haven’t heard, Smell-o-Vision is back. Through something called Aromascope, Spy Kids 4 will engage your senses of smell via scratch n’ sniff. This has bad idea written all over it, particularly if the guy behind Human Centipede gets in on the crazy. It’s one thing to see an ass-to-mouth chain, it’s quite another to smell it. (FSR)
I don’t actually recommend clicking on this link, which gives you a disturbing view of what a man’s beard looks like from below, but if you do, remember that you won’t be able to unsee it. NO REFUNDS. (Beards from Below)
It’s depressing to think that, some of the biggest Twilight fans don’t even realize there are Twilight books. Based on spelling and grammar, I’m not sure this person even knows what a book is. (FilmDrunk)
In recent weeks, I’ve taken to the Standing Desk while I work. It’s supposed to keep you focused and better prevent heart disease, but I can’t get over the achy feet. Others have had more success. (Snide Remarks)
While we’re on the subject of health, listen folks. It’s not enough to simply reduce your calorie intake. A lot depends on the type of calories you consume. They’re not all created equally. (Dave Chen)
But all the standing and calorie cutting in the world won’t save you if you are user of Krokodil, a new kind of homemade heroin popular in Russia. The substance is so poisonous that users literally rot away. (The Guardian)
There is perhaps one thing even more lethal than Russian heroin. If Ron Swanson had a Ben & Jerry’s Flavor, it would kill you in under 3 bites. But it would look something like this (MeatBeerBabes)
Are you looking for new nicknames for your vagina? This absolutely brilliant song, “Love Your Vagina,” is like a Bajingo thesaurus set to a magical musical number.