Elon Musk Is Literally Breaking the Internet

Elon Musk’s day already started off badly when he attempted to lamely post his way through a damaging report about how things are so sh*thouse at Twitter that he’s afraid to go to the bathroom without bodyguards. Apparently, he’s afraid of a coup, because everyone knows corporate ownership is determined by toilet bowl shankings. It’s a tale as old as time. However, Elon’s morning of being a wiener-shy laughingstock was a picnic compared to when Twitter completely broke around noon EST. Outbound links didn’t work, embeds were broken all across the internet, and the whole thing was a huge giant mess. Turns out, the brainiac tech lord tasked a single engineer to move Twitter over to a new paid API system, and it predictably went to hell in a handbasket. Expect more of this in the days ahead. (Platformer)

The Beckhams put on a big happy family display for Brooklyn’s 24th birthday following a stretch of bad press. (Lainey Gossip)

Chaka Khan is sorry she shaded Mariah Carey, Debbie Harry, Adele, Joan Baez, and Mary J. Blige all in one interview. (Dlisted)

Buckingham Palace is clearly begging people to come to Charles’ coronation at this point. Anybody, so it’s not just Camilla and Piers Morgan. (Celebitchy)

From Petr: Toblerone has to drop the Matterhorn from its packaging. (BBC News)

Pete Davidson literally drove into a house while speeding, and apparently, we’re just gonna chalk the whole thing up to jet lag? (TMZ)

Marc Guggenheim is sad James Gunn doesn’t care about the Arrowverse. (Gizmodo)

How Julia Roberts torpedoed the first attempt at Shakespeare In Love because Daniel Day-Lewis wasn’t available. (Variety)

Imagine going from Game of Thrones to directing a Zorro series starring Fez from That ’70s Show. Also, he’s adamant about filming near high schools. What’s that all about? (The Wrap)

I had no idea Brian Michael Bendis worked on the doomed Spider-Man musical. (THR)

If Jena Malone doesn’t want to name names, she doesn’t have to name names. Christ, did you people not see what happened to Amber Heard? (Jezebel)

While listening to a modern translation of Marcus Aurelius, Caesar’s Wife noticed something about her husband’s thoughts on situations she shared. "And so, it was through reading Meditations that I realized my husband is, in fact, a stoic Roman philosopher/emperor and I should probably listen to him more often." When was the last time you got great advice? (Cannonball Read 15)