Despite the best efforts of the crazed members of his fan base, Chris Evans reportedly married Alba Baptista at a private ceremony at the couple’s home near Boston. As Jen so eloquently put it, America’s Ass is off the market. (Page Six)

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s new single, “Bongos,” is exactly the kind of energy we need. (Lainey Gossip)

Joe Jonas was “less than supportive” of Sophie Turner when she gave birth to their second child. Here we go. (Celebitchy)

Is the term “pro-life” the problem, or do people just want abortion rights? (Wonkette)

From Seth: Luis Rubiales says he will resign as Spanish soccer federation president. Good riddance, you obstinate asshole. (NBC News)

Drew Barrymore may have just burnt up a whole lot of goodwill by bringing her talk show back despite the writers’ strike. (Vulture)

Christina Ricci didn’t specifically put Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis on blast by name, but she totally put Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis on blast. As she should have. (THR)

Because grinding never stops for us writers, please check out Emma’s Substack. It’s a little bit cultural and a lotta bit personal. (The Overshare)

Elon Musk and Grimes reportedly have a third, secret child. OK. (Rolling Stone)

“Ryan Reynolds wanted our movie to be grounded and not feel like a bunch of physical environments filmed on a soundstage.” You’re playing my music, Deadpool 3. (Deadline)

Encanto, I get. But is there really enough interest in Ahsoka to build theme park attractions around it? Seems a tad overzealous. (Gizmodo)

From Hannah: Your heart needs this. (TikTok)

Reginadelmar’s edition of Octavia E. Butler’s classic, The Parable of the Sower, has an interview with the author at the end. Butler states she was imagining a future with no magic or aliens, just us. “This is the most powerful element of the book, and why it is so disturbing thirty years later.” Which authors do you think have come closest to predicting the future? (Cannonball Read 15)

If you beat the PS1 JURASSIC PARK: THE LOST WORLD video game, you'd receive this video message from Jeff Goldblum telling you to turn it off, go outside because you stink, and to go get laid. The only thing missing is him calling you a massive nerd. Hilarious. pic.twitter.com/r9eKeCYuV2

— Todd Spence (@Todd_Spence) September 7, 2023