Yes, you are lucky enough to get two Pajiba Loves from me in the same month. Why, you ask? Because shut the f*ck up and let’s get to the links before I get bored and burn your house down.
These may well be the wisest words ever spoken by a human being: “There is literally no scenario in which vegetables are healthier than pizza. I’m not even sure why they’re legal. Adjust your life accordingly.” This is a manifesto of a man of great knowledge. I’m just here to share it. (Something Awful)
If that’s not your thing (because you’re an idiot, I guess), then how about a nice grilled cheese sandwich? Made entirely out of cheese? (Neatorama)
The prolific and super fun band Hatebreed is back with their sixth album, The Divinity Of Purpose. It’s another record of love songs and gentle crooners, kind of like Paul Simon and Edie Brickell singing lullabies in a room full of sleepy kittens. It’s what I use to get my son to fall asleep. (One Metal)
Sweet Merciful Crap. I know there is a strange and sick, depraved subsection of the population that doesn’t find Kate Upton attractive. I think those people should be exterminated (though in fairness, I say that about most people). In any event, she’s on the cover of the newest issue of the SI Swimsuit Issue (or as I like to call it, “the most pointless issue of a completely useless magazine”) and can I just say goddamn. (Celebitchy)
This has made the rounds over the weekend, but it never gets old: Fox News, in a column about the importance of recognizing that men and women aren’t equal is the key to a successful marriage, accidentally used a photograph of a lovely lesbian couple in the header. I like to believe that it was deliberate, done by some sneaky bastard who’s staging a quiet revolution from within. (Really, Fox News? via Jessica Valenti)
That doesn’t get old either.
In news for intelligent people, we can all agree that Neil deGrasse Tyson is a goddamn treasure and gift to the world, right? Because he just calculated the weight of Mjolnir, Thor’s hammer. And to make it extra awesome, he’s given its weight in elephants. No, really. (Nerd Approved)
These are not new, but they’re new to me and my current favorite thing ever. Calvin and Hobbes wallpapers, made of original Watterson art set against real-life backgrounds. They’re gorgeous and adorable. (Geekologie)
On the one hand, I feel sort of terrible for the poor bird. On the other hand, it gave me the chance to write something I could never have even dreamed up: “Escaped Condor Wreaks Havoc At Hockey Game.” I mean, come on. Shit like this is the reason the internet was invented. Bless you, Josh Kurp. (Uproxx)
And here’s the strangest headline: Amazon Files Patent That Would Allow You To Sell ‘Used’ MP3’s.” I have no goddamn idea. (Uproxx Tech)
Did you know that people born when Super Mario Kart came out on the SNES can now drink legally? Oh, f*ck me. (Penny Arcade)
Superheroes get Pixar-style renderings! My personal fave is Wonder Woman. (io9)
Aw, lookie. In Brazil, there are times when the sky is literally filled with spiders. Let’s all go for vacation! (Laughing Squid)
Eight Actors You Didn’t Know Had Famous Parents. Yeah, big deal who ca- WAIT, the girl from “Arrow” and “Supernatural” is David Cassidy’s daughter? But she seems so non-douchey! (Unreality)
Some of you may have missed this weekend’s SNOWPOCALYPSE, affectionately named Nemo. It dumped two and a half feet of snow on us in about 18 hours and was a royal pain in my ass. But also? Kind of lovely. Here’s the whole storm condensed into 60 seconds of time-lapse video.
Finally, I’m sorry about reminding you of this film’s existence*, but have you seen the Honest Trailer for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? These guys aren’t always great, but when they hit, they nail the bastard, and they nailed this one. “A new installment that will make you wish you were watching The Mummy.” Indeed.
*no I’m not.
TK doesn’t care about your feelings.