By Kelly | PaEHba Day | February 18, 2010 |
By Kelly | PaEHba Day | February 18, 2010 |
When we quiet and polite Canadians first began planning our non-violent take-over of Pajiba I breezily volunteered to do a Famous Canadians list. How difficult could it be to pick 10 Canadians who were famous for being more than just incredibly polite motherfuckers? Seventeen hours and eleventy billion Google hits later it became apparent that it was much more difficult than you bitches think. We’ve managed to smuggle, I mean introduce, a helluva lot of Canadians into the US over the years and while some of them stick out like wearing a toque on a hot summer day, others have managed to blend in so well even I was surprised to discover they were one of us. So, in order to whittle my list down to 10 I decided to only include people who were universally recognized as Canadians.
And yeah, I realize there are famous Canadians out there other than actors (hello Frank Gehry!) but it is a movie review website after all. Also — I like talking about actors. And it’s my list. So suck it.
10. Paul Gross
He was a Mountie with a heart of gold, had a wolf as a sidekick and is the only man we know who makes extreme politeness hot. Born in Calgary, Alberta, he is most known for his role as Constable Benton Fraser in the TV series “Due South.” The show ran for five years and he used his clout as Executive Producer and writer to cast other famous Canadians, such as Leslie Nielsen and Gordon Pinsette, in reoccurring roles on the show. And while we hate him just a little for perpetuating the myth that every Mountie knows how to ride a horse and is extremely polite; we love him for at least attempting to make non-Canadians understand our love for curling in the barely seen movie “Men with Brooms”.
9. Eugene Levy
Listen, we’re going to forget that he has starred in all seven of the American Pie movies because that right there fills us with shame. Instead let’s focus on the fact that this Ontario-born actor is an alumnus of SCTV (Second City Television). Who amongst us does not see this bespectacled lovable nerd and immediately think of Earl Camembert and his checkered suit and matching bow tie? Or Bobby Bitman, the serious comic? Also, he not only starred in Best in Show as Gerry Fleck but co-wrote the script. The man is a comic genius and can be forgiven for those beastly American Pie movies.
8. Catherine O’Hara
She’s probably best known for her role as the mom in the first two Home Alone movies; however, she started her career with SCTV. In the span of a decade she starred in four Christopher Guest mockumentary films — Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, A Mighty Wind and For Your Consideration. She’s a gifted comedian, a singer-songwriter and a damn fine looking woman. And did we mention tough? The woman has survived for 55 some years with her heart on the right side of her chest. Don’t piss her off — she’ll eat you for breakfast.
7. The Kids in the Hall
Possibly the greatest sketch comedy group known to man, The Kids in the Hall was formed in 1984 and ran for nearly a decade on CBC. The group consisted of five comedians — Dave Foley (later becoming more recognized as the straight man on “News Radio”), Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, and Scott Thompson (an openly gay man). Unlike its more famous brother “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall” had very few celebrity guests and rarely did celebrity impressions (with the exception of Queen Elizabeth II, played by Thompson). The Kids regularly played both old and young women; in fact this frequent cross-dressing would become a show trademark. For a brief time in the ’80s, Canadians everywhere walked around muttering enthusiastically “I’m crushing your head” while pretending to crush people’s skulls from a distance with their fingers. Shut up. Winters are long in Canada, okay? Sometimes you need to release a little pent up negative energy by pretending to crush people’s skulls. One of the more famous characters was the “Chicken Lady,” a half human, half chicken portrayed by Mark McKinney. She tended to spend most of the sketches in a state of sexual aggressiveness and frequently had wild orgasms accompanied by a large explosion of feathers (just trust us — it was funny). In 1996 the Kids wrote and starred in their first feature film, “Brain Candy.”
6. Wayne Gretzky
Yeah, yeah, he’s not an actor. Whatever bitches, you all saw his hosting appearance on “SNL,” not to mention his guest role opposite Victor “fucking” Newman on “The Young & the Restless.” Obviously he’s best known for his hockey skills, but since I loathe hockey I felt it was more practical to consult someone else for information about the greatest hockey player to ever live. Unfortunately when I asked my husband to tell me in three sentences or less what makes Wayne Gretzky the greatest hockey player to ever play the game his grimace of disgust and terse “Are you sure you’re Canadian?” response left me to my own devices. Naturally I did what any non-hockey fan would do - I Wikipedia’d him. According to Wikipedia, Wayne Gretzky is called “the greatest hockey player ever” because he held 40 regular-season records, 15 playoff records, and six All-Star records. He is the only NHL player to total over 200 points in one season — a feat he accomplished four times. In addition, he tallied over 100 points in 15 WHA/NHL seasons, 14 of them consecutive. Also, apparently he practiced his hockey skills a lot growing up in Ontario. Dude lived in his skates. Which is weird. And probably uncomfortable.
5. Rachel McAdams
Let’s make something clear — I detested The Notebook. With the fiery passion of a thousand suns did I detest that movie. To be fair, I detest any romantic love story, my idea of romance is coming home to a scrubbed toilet and dinner on the table and knowing this, my husband watched The Notebook while I was having coffee with a friend. Except I came home earlier then he expected and consequently found myself watching the last hour of the movie. While my husband sniffed quietly and wiped away silent tears I rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath. It took multiple viewings of Mean Girls to wipe that wretched movie filth from my brain. Lest you begin to believe I added Rachel McAdams to my favourites list only to rant about the horrid Notebook movie, let’s talk about how awesome she was playing bitchy Regina George in Mean Girls. Or how she made Wedding Crashers tolerable. Or how she politely declined to participate for a cover of Vanity Fair along with Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson when she discovered it was to be nude. Lastly, she played RDJ’s love interest in Sherlock Holmes and anyone who gets to even touch RDJ is a favourite in my books.
4. Donald Sutherland
He’s got a voice that can melt butter and thanks to a little thing called “The Olympics” I get to hear that sexy voice only every other commercial. Whoever decided to go with the Don (that’s what I like to call him, the Don) for the voice-overs for promotional advertising for the Olympics is obviously a woman. Also, and this is for the ladies who enjoy the chin pubes, can the man not rock a beard or what? Seriously — I don’t find a clean shaven Don appealing in any way, but slap a beard on that man and I’m ready to cradle his dying body in my arms a la Marky Mark in The Italian Job. Oh and he also starred in a little movie called M.A.S.H. as well as having a son who is somewhat famous for drinking, spending time in prison and being on a show about numbers. I think … I don’t watch “24” — it’s about numbers right?
3. Ryan Reynolds
Obviously no “Favourite Canadian” list would be complete without Rowles’ luscious boy toy, RyRy, R squared, Ry to the Reynolds, or, as he’s known in my household, that guy I’d like to spend some sweaty bed time with. With his glistening abs, his willingness to display gratuitous nudity in his movies, and his sarcasm, it’s obvious why all of us Canadians love him (cork it Sparkletits!). Sure, he’s made some questionable decisions in the last few years, notably dumping our beloved Alanis and marrying that jiggly boobed harlot, but no one’s perfect. Besides, ladies (and Rowles), how freaking hot is our Ryan going to be as the Green Lantern? My panties are catching on fire already.
2. Nathan Fillion
Listen, Kelly’s Canadian Boyfriend (that’s right, he belongs to me) has been number one on the list of “people Pajibans would most like to bang” (I may be paraphrasing here) twice. There’s a reason for that. The guy is cool. Guys want to drink beer with him while watching a football game; girls want to fuck him eight ways to Sunday and then take him home to meet the family. Sure, the dude started off in a soap opera and has ended up portraying a witty writer in a totally fluffy and rip-offy 2010 version of Murder She Wrote but in between that we had Captain Malcolm Reynolds and his tight pants and “the hammer is my penis.” My hammer is the penis!
1. John Candy
I have a confession to make. I’ve never seen Planes, Trains and Automobiles in its entirety. I understand that makes my claim to be a Canadian a bit on the shaky side but I have watched Uncle Buck, Splash, Stripes, Only the Lonely and Spaceballs multiple times and I figure that helps cement my status as a Canadian. Candy also started his career with “SCTV,” creating such memorable characters as Johnny LaRue, William B. Williams, and Steve Roman before moving on to the big screen. His breakout role came as the womanizing brother of Tom Hanks in Splash. For the next few years he did well, starring in films like The Great Outdoors, Who’s Harry Crumb, Uncle Buck and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. In the early nineties his career started to decline and despite his attempt at a career comeback with roles in films Only the Lonely and JFK, sadly John succumbed to the obesity he had fought his entire life. He died in his sleep in 1994, leaving an entire nation to mourn him.
Kelly lives in the sunny Okanagan and spends most of her time drinking beer with her Chihuahua, Dexter. You can read her occasional ramblings at The Fat Chick Diaries
* Artwork by Replica