The annual White House Easter Egg Roll is coming up and what would normally be a clear and easy opportunity to win points for the Trump* administration is looking more and more like a chance for them to show everyone, again, that they have no concept of how the Executive Branch runs or what the customs and traditions of the office of the President are. I’m actually working on a longer piece about this, but even the New York Times has started to notice that things are Not Quite Right with this 138 year tradition. This should be an easy thing to nail, after all Sean Spicer has a lot of first hand experience with the event, but it seems that against all odds the White House will fall flat on its face at an event that is 100% about making the White House generally and the President specifically look good. But would any of the other contenders have done better? The Overlords discussed this very topic in our secret lair earlier today (note: some of the Overlords were not as well informed regarding the Egg Roll tradition):
- You know who’d be at that goddamn Egg Roll with a perfectly coordinated fleet of volunteers and a beautiful pastel Easter suit? Hillary fucking Clinton. “Not relatable” my ass.
- Bernie would have found all the eggs.
- Bernie would’ve made a lot of noise about how much more progressive his Egg Roll would be, and then just do basically the exact same event as Obama did.
- Ted Cruz would sit down on the eggs to try to hatch them because that’s how his mother raised him in the damp caves where his creche spawned.
- Paul Ryan would tell everyone that they would have ACCESS to a whole bunch of wonderful eggs, but when people got there all of them would be hidden on the White House roof.
- Huckabee wouldn’t let anyone eat the eggs but would make everyone look at ultrasounds of whatever ones they found.
- Mike Pence wouldn’t go to a hill alone with an egg. Mother would have to be with him to watch him roll the egg. Otherwise, he gonna fuck the shit outta that egg
- Marco Rubio would have a superficially flawless Egg Roll but he’d be doing a weird amount of sweating and drinking water the whole time.
- Jeb Bush would have the exact same egg roll as George W, but he’d paint exclamation points himself by hand on the eggs the night before. And no one would come. Not even his dad.
- Martin O’Malley would be the Easter Bunny at his own Egg Roll, and would keep taking off the head to make sure people knew he was really there.
- Melania’s would be suspiciously similar to Michelle Obama’s. The eggs would have gone rancid because she literally used the leftovers from last year.
- Rand Paul’s would have no rules. Also no eggs because the chickens went Galt.
- Jill Stein would not allow eggs because she read on the Internet that they give you AIDS. Instead children would search for wholesome and natural raw chicken to snack on.
- Gary Johnson would have never have heard of Easter and then would make a racist joke about egg rolls and his Dickleburgh. (We’re claiming autocorrect on that last bit.)
By the way, fun facts about the Easter Egg Roll: It all started because Congress were jerks to small children and is one of the few long-standing legacies of President Rutherford B. Hayes. It takes place Monday and is sure to be a complete clusterfuck.