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You F***ing what? British Pub Chain Bans Swearing On Its Premises

By Petr Knava | News Stories | April 21, 2017 |

By Petr Knava | News Stories | April 21, 2017 |

For those of you not in the know:

Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery — most popularly known as ‘Sam Smith’s’ — is an independent brewery over here on the little rainy island of purgaTORY. They’re quite a successful little operation, owning over 200 pubs throughout the land, and selling only drinks produced at its Tadcaster brewery. A lot of the pubs are quite nice, often decorated in a traditional manner, and flogging their booze at relatively reasonable prices. They have faced some criticism over their treatment of pub managers in the past, but by and large they’ve mostly been a ‘keep your head down and keep on keeping on’ kind of business.

Until now.

Now we hear that the people who own Sam Smith’s pubs are passing down a diktat that aims to curtail any and all foul language being used on the premises of any of their pubs.

They’ve only decided to ban fucking swearing.

You fucking what?!


It’s a fucking pub chain banning swearing.

Let that swill round your filthy gobholes for a minute.

That’s right, a brewery chain, renowned for its independence and affordable prices, has now, according to Time Out magazine, issued instructions that:

Insist that landlords and landladies help prevent the use of bad language on the premises. The implication is that customers dropping profanities alongside pints could be barred from the premises, with the brewery’s updated policy stating that customers may be refused service if they’re found to not be keeping the air clean.

What kind of arse-backwards twattery is this?

Which bollard-spanked cockwomble on the Sam Smith’s board okayed this fuckpie of a decision?

I frequent a few fucking Sam Smith’s pubs myself over here in London and I tell you what: There’s only one way to protest this shitmonkey of a decision.

It’s the most fun way of all.


That’s right.

The weekend is here.

Time to go all Malcolm Tucker on Sam Smith’s Corgi-brained arse.


Petr Knava
lives in London and plays music

Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.