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Crosswalk Buttons, Elevator Door-Close Buttons and Our Very Lives Are a Lie

By Courtney Enlow | News Stories | October 27, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | News Stories | October 27, 2016 |

Nothing is real. We have no control over the world around us. The universe is placating us with false senses of worth and ability and it’s all a goddamn lie.

Those fucking crosswalk buttons? THEY DON’T DO SHIT.

And what hurts is that I think we all knew. Deep down…we knew. Ours is a cruel reality.

According to the New York Times, most of New York City’s pedestrian buttons were disabled years ago. The cost of removing the physical, nonfunctional devices was too high, so they sit, meaningless, covered in germs and lost dreams. And this stretches nationwide.

ABC News reported in 2010 that it found only one functioning crosswalk button in a survey of signals in Austin, Tex.; Gainesville, Fla.; and Syracuse.


Everything is a lie. We are all hurtling toward oblivion, grasping at buttons and attempting to control an uncontrollable world and nothing NOTHING is real. Not even those close-door elevator buttons. And that means all movies and television shows are also lies, because that device is used in EVERYTHING.

Karen W. Penafiel, executive director of National Elevator Industry Inc., a trade group, said the close-door feature faded into obsolescence a few years after the enactment of the Americans With Disabilities Act in 1990.

The legislation required that elevator doors remain open long enough for anyone who uses crutches, a cane, or wheelchair to get on board, Ms. Penafiel said in an interview on Tuesday. “The riding public would not be able to make those doors close any faster,” she said.

Assuming the elevator you’re presently riding on is not an unmaintained, unserviced plummet-to-your-death machine and has actually been refurbished in the last 26 years, that button is a LIE. LIKE YOUR SOUL. LIKE YOUR DREAMS.

The open-door button does work though. Don’t be a dick.

These placebos leave us with a false and tragic sense of control. A psychologist even calls it “mildly therapeutic.” SURE, GUY. I LOVE LIES. I LOVE FINDING OUT THAT WAKING LIFE IS A CAREENING NIGHTMARE WHERE I CAN MAKE NO EDITS ON THE PAGE OF MY EXISTENCE.

Anyway, have a great day. Or don’t. IT’S NOT IN YOUR HANDS.