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If There Was A Problem (Yo, He Caused It)

By Kate Hudson | News | September 5, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | News | September 5, 2018 |


It seems only fitting in 2018 that Vanilla Ice may cause the apocalypse.

Earlier today, the man many of us know from this:


Was on a long haul flight from Dubai to JFK, when 3 passengers and 7 crew members became ill enough to warrant a quarantine of the plane on the tarmac when it landed.

Per my favorite source,

A representative for the CDC told PEOPLE Wednesday afternoon that it had been alerted early that morning that a flight had landed at JFK with “passengers, including crew members, complaining of illness including cough, fever, and symptoms of gastrointestinal illness. CDC public health officers … completed health evaluations (including taking temperatures) of all 549 passengers and crew members on board.

The ill passengers were taken away for treatment…and the rest of the plane was eventually released.


You know. Into a densely populated space, where people congregate closely before they get in metal tubes with recirculated air, and then fly to various points all around the world.

Look, it seems only fitting that in our current age, the cheesiest aspects of the 1990s keep coming back to bite us in the ass.


But there is hope. There is always hope. For even though an extra in Home Alone 2 is in the White House, and Vanilla Ice could be patient zero in the oncoming viral apocalypse, our forbearers knew that one day this might happen to us. They knew that the nineties could well bring on the apocalypse, and a few months before the decade could commence, they planted the seeds for the antidote. The seeds that may one day have to save us all.

Friends, we don’t need a hero to save us from the oncoming Vanilla Ice-induced apocalypse. We need a gladiator. An American Gladiator.

They are our only hope to weather the storm we are about to face if the prophecy in Cool As Ice is to come to pass.

Ice has now done as was foretold, and by getting off that plane, he has most definitely done the required “shling a shlong.” Whether it will bring our doom, and whether the Gladiators can save us remains to be seen.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Universal Pictures