Stacey Rusch Is Either a Robot or the Funniest Real Housewife of All Time

The Real Housewives of Potomac was long overdue for a rebirth. I was hoping that would mean a total cast overall, but alas, Gizelle Bryant still has a job. At least her evil sidekick Robyn Dixon has been forced into retirement.

So far, season nine is leaning heavily on the fallout of Grande Dame Karen Huger’s DUI. Does the Real Housewives franchise push depressed middle-aged women into DUIs, or would they have them anyway? That’s a question for another day. The reason we’re here, dear reader, is because Karen, in her darkest hour, called in backup: one Stacey Rusch.

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Stacey was introduced to us as a former QVC and morning news host and mother of an 8-year-old daughter whom she shares with her former husband, Thiemo Rusch, Senior Vice President of Sales Operations at Audi of America. In the process of divorcing while filming, Stacey and her ex still share a home, but that hasn’t stopped her from dating her “best friend,” actor Thomas Anthony Jones, a.k.a. TJ.

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Stacey’s first mistake was confessing that she and TJ were celibate. Both devout Christians, they’re saving themselves for marriage, should that day ever come. But don’t worry, in the meantime, they have the gym and “the zoo.” What do they do at the zoo? Why, look at the animals, of course. Nothing stifles sexual frustration like looking at a zebra, everyone knows that. This, coupled with Stacey’s news anchor voice and poise, led the other women to find her “stiff.” I, on the other hand, think she’s funny as hell.

I have a theory—and if I’m stealing this from someone better and smarter than me without realizing it, forgive me—that comedy is all in diction. The literal enunciation of words is what makes me laugh more than anything, and there’s something about Stacey’s delivery that really gets me. There’s no clip of it because it’s too soon, but there was a moment on last night’s episode when Stacey found Wendy Osefo hungover at the breakfast table on a girls’ trip, and Stacey told her, “Usually when I overdo it I just keep going. You’re stopping. It’s abrupt. Champagne for Wendy,” and when I tell you I laughed out loud, alone at my own breakfast table…this woman knows how to deliver a line.

Does she sound like she rehearsed most of the things she says in the mirror? Yes. Does she ever throw in an “um” or a “like?” Absolutely not, she’s a professional. But there’s something about a Housewives freshman with no inhibitions. She doesn’t know what not to say yet, which means everything she says is gold. “I still don’t even know if we’re friends,” she said on Watch What Happens Live of Gizelle. “One minute we’re friends, the next she’s hazing me,” which is the most accurate description of Gizelle Bryant I’ve ever heard.

Does anyone care about this but me? Probably not. But I’m transfixed by this woman, and I’d rather listen to her talk about her divorce than listen to Karen dodge questions about her DUI any day.