HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE!
A man in Sheboygan, Wisconsin has been sentenced to three years of probation for a series of toilet clogging incidents.
This is the real news, right here.
As per a report in the Sheboygan Press:
26-year-old Sheboygan man was sentenced Monday to three years of probation for clogging women’s toilets in Deland Park and at his place of work.
According to a criminal complaint, officers found a toilet in the women’s bathroom at Deland Community Center clogged by a plastic bottle last March. Water was overflowing from the toilet.
Officers had checked the restrooms the previous evening and the toilets were not damaged. Officers reviewed 10 similar incidents beginning in April 2017 where toilets were clogged. The city determined each incident caused about $200 in damage, the complaint said.
I don’t know anything about Sheboygan, or indeed Wisconsin—apart from the fact that Les Paul, Orson Welles, and Willem Dafoe hail from the state—but is this a normal sort of story in Wisconsin?
This bloke worked for a temp agency, and apparently he routinely blocked the toilets at places that he was employed at.
That’s really not on, is it? The toilet. Leave the toilet alone! Damage the vending machines if you must. Or, shit, even the coffee station. But leave the toilet alone. The toilet is a temple of peace and tranquillity.
After he got caught, the toilet clogger said:
I need to make things right and pray forgiveness every day.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WON’T DO SHIT-ALL TO UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE TO THE MOST HOLY PLACE IN ANY WORKPLACE, YA MUG! YOU SHOULD’VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU VIOLATED THE SECRET GENEVA CONVENTION, YA COCKWOMBLE. AND A WOMEN’S TOILET AT THAT, YA BELLEND! LIKE THEY DON’T HAVE IT HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT THEIR TOILETS BEING BUNGED UP.
You toilet wanker.
Well, at least one good thing has come out of this tale of woe. This Reddit thread:
While we’re here though.
Did I tell you about German toilets?
The unfathomable, eldritch horror; the medieval torture instrument; the creeping dread that sits in the darkest corners of your consciousness, waiting, patiently waiting for your moment of absolute weakness that is, the German Toilet.
Because you see, toilets as we understand them are friendly, known entities. They’re discreet, humble servants assisting us in moments of need and vulnerability. They live to serve, and they ask no questions. It’s called ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’ for a reason.
NOT IN GERMANY.
BEHOLD THE TYRANNY OF THE GERMAN TOILET EXAMINATION LEDGE!
Growing up I spent my youthful summers in the Czech Republic, in a little house in the middle of nowhere. They were magical summers full of countryside adventure and whimsical bald child hornet attacks and I made some of my most treasured memories during them. Except when we passed through Prague and I sometimes had to come face to face with a renegade German Examination Ledge Toilet that had somehow crossed enemy lines and taken up residence in my grandma’s house! Those were not moments of whimsy, but of shattered hopes and foul omens.
Have a nice Tuesday, I’m off in search of whisky.
Header Image Source: 20th Century Fox