Cheryl Hines Insists On Moving to D.C. Because Her Husband Cheats

Cheryl Hines is a well-known television actress (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Waitress) who is currently married to a man who oversees the nation’s Health and Human Services Department. That man is currently dealing with a measles outbreak in Texas, responsible for the first death from the disease in a decade — by telling folks that it’s no big deal, there are measles outbreaks all the time, and recommending cod liver oil. This man is clearly very worried about the Texas outbreak, as evidenced by a photo he recently took after a long hike, where presumably he pondered the many ways in which he could treat measles, like — I dunno — topical applications of moldy spores or something.

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This man, it should be known, also cheats. He cheats a lot. He cheated on his second wife 37 times. We know that because he kept a journal documenting his battle with “lust demons,” which sounds like a really spicy Jason Blum horror movie. We also know that he cheats because last year, he had an intimate but non-physical affair with a journalist, Olivia Nuzzi, who is eight years younger than this man’s oldest kid. “Intimate but non-physical affair,” by the way, is code for “Facetime sex.”

Cheryl Hines, whose work is primarily centered in California, wants to keep tabs on her husband because he is a 71-year-old horndog who probably smells like fish because of all the cod liver oil. This evidently does not bother Cheryl Hines, despite, again, the cheating and despite the fact that she opposes everything he stands for in his work, except for the money. She has no objections to money.

She has thus, according to a source who spoke to the swamp rag The Daily Mail, issued an ultimatum.

“Cheryl doesn’t feel Bobby can be trusted one iota living on his own, in D.C., even part-time, with so many attractive women and Kennedy groupies around, as he gets settled in his powerful new position. So she’s given him a strict ultimatum - move me or else.”

The “or else” is unclear, but I suspect the “or else” resembles the “concern” a certain Senator from Maine expresses when the world is going to hell. Perhaps Cheryl Hines will issue a sternly worded letter to her husband: “Dear Bobby: Please stop cheating. I don’t care for it. Yours, forever (in spite of the cheating), Cheryl.”