Are Chelsea Handler and Ralph Fiennes Having Freaky Voldemort Sex? Maybe!

I’m not allowed to write about The Batman: Part II anymore because apparently I “have an obsession” and “every article makes us look like a dork factory” — the feedback at Pajiba is firm, but fair — so time to return to my other wheelhouse that always delivers: Which celebrities are getting naked with each other?

In a sneak peek at her upcoming appearance on The Jamie Kern Lima Show, Chelsea Handler teased that there’s a new man in her life, and to paraphrase, they’ve been doing it real good.

“I have someone that I’m seeing now that I’m very attracted to and that I like having sex with, and so that’s a really good like nice little thing I have going,” Handler said, according to PEOPLE. However, Handler wants to make it clear that she’s not wifing anybody, and any man that’s in her life will be second to her purpose: going on podcasts that I never heard of until today. “All I know is I know what I’m supposed to be doing, and any man that’s in my life is not the main character. That’s a side relationship, and I love them, and I want to respect everybody, but that’s not my main M.O. in life. I’m not that kind of person.”

If Handler wanted to keep her new romance a secret, it didn’t work. Before the episode even dropped, she was spotted arm-in-arm with Ralph Fiennes at the 2025 Vanity Fair Oscars party. I’m seriously looking right at them, and they reportedly had quite the evening. Via New York Post:

Drink in hand, Handler, 50, dressed in a metallic pale champagne-colored dress by KHOON HOOI and gold Manolo Blahnik BB heels, and Fiennes, 62, dashing in a black wide lapel tuxedo and white-edged bow tie from London brand Taillour, cut an elegant figure as they giggled their way out of the posh soirée.

Why do I never get invited to posh soirées? Oh, that’s right, I think Chipotle is fancy.

Anyway, talk about a relationship that no one saw coming. For starters, Ralph Fiennes isn’t the CEO of Comcast or any massive media conglomerate. Nor is he 50 Cent, that I’m aware of. (Don’t quote me on that one.) The important thing is I didn’t write about Batman. Are you happy, Dustin?!