Waddling Vagrants, Crab Invasions, And Meth Gators: Animal News Begging To Become A Creature Feature

By Kristy Puchko | News | July 16, 2019 |

By Kristy Puchko | News | July 16, 2019 |

Jaws. Piranha. Crawl. We love a creature feature, where animals reclaim territory and give us plenty of gory slaughter scenes for funsies! And it seems the next batch of creature features could be ripped from the headlines. Animal news of late has a definite ring of movie taglines, boasting “waddling vagrants,” swarming crabs, and “meth gators.”

Here’s a round-up of animal news that’s amusing, bordering on disconcerting:

They came from the shores and slid into the darkness. The police chased them off once. But instinct called them back. Naturally, we’re talking about a pair of blue penguins who’ve repeatedly tried to nest under a sushi shop in the Wellington railway station in New Zealand.

The police described these critters as “waddling vagrants” and have twice returned them to the harbor about 600 feet from the shop. Mike Rumble (a hero name for sure), who bravely volunteered to remove the penguins the second time, warns, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the owner of the sushi bar says, ‘They’re back.’” (RNZ)

Next up, a crabs invasion that has nothing to do with the dodgy dude from that moonshine-fueled one-night-stand.

Port St. Lucie, Florida, was a quiet town. The kind of place where you might gather with your family on a warm summer morning to take in the sunrise. You’d never suspect THE SWARM.

CRAB INVASION! The Florida man went outside and saw hundreds of crabs climbing all over his screens and in his yard. 🦀🦀🦀 STORY: https://t.co/0VB1jotmlC pic.twitter.com/3360nxTP65

— FOX 32 News (@fox32news) July 12, 2019

“They’re everywhere!”

Crab swarm victim Dan Skowronski chuckles in the above video, “They’re more scared of me than I am of them,” and notes the crabs were flushed out of their burrows by heavy rains. Poor naive fool.

Clearly, this is just act one. Next the crabs will come across some toxic waste that’s been toppled by the heavy rains and will grow to gargantuan sizes and then come back to his puny screen fencing with a vengeance. Or, it’s not the crabs you need to worry about. They’re just the little critter intro that something’s amiss in nature. They are scuttling harbingers of the terrifying big bad critter yet to come! Like maybe a meth gator. (Fox 32)

Twitter went wild over a report out of Alabama that local officials feared flushing drugs could create “meth gators.” This was not a sincere statement from the Alabama police force. Instead, it was part of a tongue-in-cheek Facebook post, asking residents not to flush meth down the toilets, even when the cops have shown up to bust you for meth, because it could screw with the sewage system. (AL.com)

“Folks…please don’t flush your drugs m’kay (sic). When you send something down the sewer pipe it ends up in our retention ponds for processing before it is sent down stream. Now our sewer guys take great pride in releasing water that is cleaner than what is in the creek, but they are not really prepared for meth. Ducks, Geese, and other fowl frequent our treatment ponds and we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do. Furthermore, if it made it far enough we could create meth-gators in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama. They’ve had enough methed up animals the past few weeks without our help. So, if you need to dispose of your drugs just give us a call and we will make sure they are disposed of in the proper way.”

First up, imagine if this post works and meth users start calling the cops to dispose of their illegal drugs. Looks like the Loretto police are angling for their own movie. But that’s not our focus. Our focus is “methed up animals.” This could be a whole franchise. You’ve seen Lake Placid. You’ve seen Crawl. Now, behold the terrible might of “METH GATORS.”

Just imagine. There could be a whole fleet of methed up aquatic animals. Fisherman being like “the fish are being real wild and bitey!” The ducks are attacking people in the street! And then come the meth gators. Some would be massive and frenzied. Maybe meth makes them even faster on land somehow. And then there’d be the little ones, so hungry for that sweet sweet meth they go to the source, and start crawling out of toilets. I mean, this just writes itself.

You’re welcome, Hollywood.