Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that means only one thing: romance. I think. One time the husband and I went to White Castle and got their Valentine’s Day special, so I’m pretty sure I have a good handle on romance. That’s why I’m the perfect person to bring you these Valentine’s Day movies!
I guarantee they will be slightly less awkward than a wet slider fart.
This movie is perfect for new relationships because it makes you aware of the impossibly high standards held by some people in order to protect themselves from love. It also lets you know that siblings will always help bury the body, so you may want to watch your ass there, bub.
This movie could save you from jail time by helping you recognize the signs of an underage person posing as an adult. Or magic.
3. The House of Yes
Stick with me here: incest.
It’s a love story between a woman, her deceased husband, the house they shared, and food. It’s got something to get everyone in the mood: a mentally challenged Leonardo DiCaprio. Juliette Lewis as a manic pixie dream girl. An ice cream place.
5. Escape from L.A.
I’m not going to lie. I got really bored looking at romance movies. You should watch Kurt Russell any goddamned chance you get, really. If your Valentine doesn’t think Russell’s hair is the sexiest fucking thing they’ve ever seen, you dump their stupid ass.
BOOM. ON TOPIC.
Why is this movie still on Netflix but all of the MST3K episodes aren’t anymore? Sanctum was lame and boring. I suppose it’s still on Netflix because it’s cheaper to keep it than to pay a programmer to delete it. If your date chooses this movie, get rid of them. They are either insane or the kind of evil that isn’t very fun.
They’re masochistic sex demons. Do I have to spell everything out for you?
James McAvoy is a man who eventually gets to bone Moaning Myrtle. It’s perfect for the Harry Potter fan you wanna have touch your wand.
Three words: Tom Hardy’s dick.
Affleck was the bomb in this, yo.
In closing, you are welcome. I only ask that I get to name any and all babies conceived as a direct result of watching any movie on this list.