Apostle follows Thomas Richardson (Dan Stevens) as he infiltrates a cult community led by Prophet Malcolm (Michael Sheen) to save his sister from being held captive for ransom to fund the dying community. I haven’t heard or seen much about it online since Netflix released it on October 12, so I thought a watch would be in order. Obviously, spoilers are ahead.
1. Why do all movies set in a certain time frame give their broken-yet-slightly-heroic protagonists droppers full of highly addictive medicines prescribed or sold to them? Upset on a train? DROPPER OF LIQUID COCAINE OR WHATEVER. PEP YOU RIGHT UP.
2. Why is everyone in black and turd-colored clothing except for the blonde girl Richardson goggles at when he files into town? Did director Gareth Evans think we wouldn’t be able to tell if Richardson was looking at her or her father?
3. Does Sheen ever bring less than one billion percent intensity and commitment to a role? THE ANSWER IS NO, NEVER, NOT A CHANCE. Full bonkers, full-time.
4. Am I deaf or is all of the background noise louder than 90 percent of the dialogue? DO NOT ANSWER THAT.
5. Richardson’s blood is full T-1000? COME ON, KIDS. The key that he’s already used once cuts him with a previously unnoticed raptor toenail on it and THEN the blood T-1000s its way into a floorboard crack and monster mouth? The Hell-o Kitty is going on here?
6. Looking at your vagina in a hand mirror can tell you if you’re pregnant or not? This is brand new information. I mean, it can definitely help you if you’re too stupid to know if your baby is crowning or a bowling ball is traveling through your vagina on its way to the pins.
7. Why are there so many subplots in this movie? Do I care that Ffion (Kristine Froseth) is knocked up? Nope. Do I care if Andrea (Lucy Boynton) and Richardson go to the bone zone? NOPE.
8. Can chickens survive in subterranean lakes of blood, carcass chunks, and garbage found in a cave system underneath a cult community? Apostle says YES.
9. OH! Is this Little Shop of Horrors but the Audrey II is someone’s Nana that convinced Prophet Malcolm to worship her and feed her blood in exchange for abundant crops and stuff? That makes sense, but I’m dismayed at the lack of musical numbers.
10. Did you have “Richardson used to be a man of faith but circumstances caused him to stop believing in God” on your cult movie bingo card?
11. Why is this not over yet? I’ve been watching it for
days over an hour and I still have nearly that long to go.
12. The cult members are cool with Quinn (Mark Lewis Jones) telling them that Malcolm is not the leader and ordering them to torture someone? I feel like Malcolm really failed cult leader 101 if his flock won’t attack people for him when they look at him sideways, let alone declare him as not their spiritual leader.
13. Oooh! Is this Silent Hill: The European Years? I love that show.
14. I thought they had Jennifer to get ransom money, so why aren’t they asking Thomas for the money since they know he’s infiltrating them to find her? Why are they torturing her when there is no way for that information to get to her father quickly? You can’t just send a toe on an ocean voyage and deliver it to the father to get ransom money. It would be rotted and no way to tell whose toe it was anyway.
15. What’s the rush? It isn’t like the island is going to expl—oh.
Oof. Apostle is too long, too full of threads that should have been cut free, and devoid of tension save for a few moments in the film. I did, however, adore the ending. As always, if you know answers to my questions, please answer them. But don’t be a jerk about it.
Header Image Source: Netflix