By Guest Contributor: George | Music | June 2, 2009 |
By Guest Contributor: George | Music | June 2, 2009 |
The new millennium has not been a good decade for music. With the mass corporate buyout of most local radio stations, the rise of the Emo movement, the death of rock and roll, Napster causing the outrage that it did, the decline of the music album, and the motherfucking Jonas Brothers appearing on the cover of the decrepit remains of Rolling Stone happening all in the same decade, it’s no wonder we endured such a musical holocaust such as the aughts.
The worst part, however, was how much of a waste of potential the aughts were. Come the fuck on, people. America went through two wars, an economic collapse, the absolute worst president you can have and still live in a democracy, the absolute worst vice president ever, unlimited ability to distribute music, and this is the best we could do? Fucking pathetic, the 60s would be ashamed of us.
But who were the absolute worst bands we put up with? Who were the groups and artists that brought music to its knees? Though everyone will have different opinions on what order they should be put in (especially with my last two), I think that this guide captures a fare job of the shit storm that the aughts gave us.
In picking the selection, I had to go by some guidelines in order to be fair. For one, I had to automatically disqualify anyone who was a non-music related celebrity before making an album (Tyra Banks, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan would have topped this list otherwise) as well as disqualify anyone who rose to musical prominence before this decade (Creed, Poison, and The Backstreet Boys, though the worst of their decades, would be unfair to the competition) and for the sake of fairness, I’ve tried to limit the inclusion of studio bands (with one exception too bad to ignore).
Bear in mind, to conduct research, I didn’t actually buy these albums, I didn’t even download them. I listened to the songs off Youtube with headphones, and threw away the headphones after I finished writing. Also, even though a new act could come out soon, I would really consider them more of a band of the next decade. And they would have to be truly abominable to claim a spot here.
So here it is, the absolute worst “musicians” of the last tragic decade. God, I hope the teens are better.
11. The Freecreditreport.com Band
Good Jesus eating grilled chicken with gravy, these guys suck. They’re annoying, wimpy looking, tone deaf, obnoxious, and are the only band on this list to hawk an authentic scam. (Annualcreditreport.com runs the same service, but without having to pay after the trial period. Freecreditreport.com isn’t even free.) Though easily the most morally bankrupt people on this list for doing such a thing, they only get 11th because, fortunately, they’ve never released an album, and were assembled by a studio. Feel free to continue to hate them, and pray that the new mascot for freecreditreport.com takes off.
10. The Black Eyed Peas
I don’t know much about their other work, but “My Humps” is one of the most obnoxious, irritating songs ever penned. No Fergie, after this and the meth, I wouldn’t touch you with anything other than a blunt object to your cranium to get you to never sing that fucking song again. It’s an achievement that one single song is obnoxious enough to get them here, but that’s just a testament to the sheer awfulness of this tune. I can think of nothing worse than having to listen to “My Humps,” and I pray to God these guys lose their relevance soon.
9. Katy Perry
Katy Perry is perhaps the worst example in human history of a gorgeous chick and a competent musician not being the same person. She started off in Christian Rock, which has become so pathetic of a genre that The Risen One himself would boil all of our oceans on the day of the second coming just for Creed, but then she decided to whore her looks out without producing a crumb of decent music in return.
Last year’s “One of the Boys” was cheeky pink pop so unlistenable that it would be beneath even the meager talents of Britney Spears. She didn’t even write half the songs, though I would personally brain any motherfucker involved in the making of that abomination. Hell, she fucked up the lesbian angle with her shittastic single “I Kissed A Girl,” which I didn’t even think was possible until she came along.
If only girls like this would just stick the Anna Nicole Smith route and pose naked in magazines and on the Internet while never releasing an album, the world would be a much better place.
8. Avril Lavigne
The woman is a waste of space. While equally as obnoxious as Britney or Katy, at least none of them took themselves as seriously as this stuck up, emo, 10-year old catering tool. Plus, her name is “Avril.” What the fuck kind of name is “Avril”? God I hate her. But her music’s even worse.
She sings in three notes, has terrible backing, over compression, and profoundly stupid lyrics. And she tries to act rebellious while catering to fucking kids. She takes herself totally seriously. Plus, that fashion is an obvious precursor of the emo movement I despise so much.
Fuck you Avril, I hope your days in hell are spent listening to your own music.
7. Fall Out Boy
Some like Fall Out Boy on this site, or at least think they’re decent. But to me, these guys represent every obnoxious, stuck in your head emo band ever invented. Plus, Pete Wentz is by far the douchiest bass player ever; he may even be the douchiest frontman ever. I don’t know weather I despise Pete Wentz more for his music, or for his procreation with Ashlee Simpson.
Show some fucking respect, Wentz. The only reason you even have a career is because the rest of them take pity on you because of your bipolar disorder. I truly feel sorry for those poor bastards, until I listen to their music.
Onto the music: It sucks. It encompasses everything I despise about Emo. They play perhaps 3 power chords, wear eyeliner, sing obnoxious, nasally vocals, have no guitar solos, and their songs stick in your head like chewing gum under a desk. I hate few more than them, and the emo movement is the great shame of my generation. And have you seen their live videos, fucking hell. No band better exemplifies the shittiness of emo than Fall Out Boy.
6. Smash Mouth
These guys hold a special distinction of being the only band whose album I broke in half with my bare hands. (I don’t recommend it, the CD shatters everywhere, if I wasn’t lucky, those fuckers would have cost me my eyes. Just use a sledgehammer.) They just sold out to unprecedented levels by going from a mediocre surf band in the late 90s to Nickelodeon’s bitch the moment they got the paycheck in the aughts.
They’re “Holiday in My Head” contains a guitar solo so high pitched and techno-ey, it would cause HAL himself to suffer a terminal meltdown. And their cover of “I’m A Believer” is so tone deaf and pussified, it makes The Monkees look like The Beatles in comparison. And they helped write the soundtrack for Kangaroo Jack, which was one of the absolute worst films of the aughts. These guys are so bad, they’re not even good enough to play Bat Mitzvahs.
5. Kevin Federline
I despise the man, and despise even more how he milked a career off of boning Britney Spears. Hell, he’d be higher if he released more albums. But that one fucking album was so bad, that it may be the worst ever written. He’s more of an insult to great rappers like Chuck D or Ice Cube than even Vanilla Ice.
Listening to his music for research is one of the most brutal things I’ve ever been forced to do. For fuck’s sake, his song “Lose Control” starts with him saying the word “hey” for what seems the length of Iron Butterfly’s “In da Gada da Vida,” only replace the artistic merit with farting noises to get the pain equivalent. I’ve never heard rap desecrated this badly in my entire life. I’m 100 percent sure the only person outside of unlucky music critics to purchase the shit pickle of an album that was Playing With Fire was Dick Cheney for Guantanamo related purposes, and even then, I’m sure he deemed it too cruel to inflict on even the most brutal terrorists.
The only good thing I can say about this waste of molecules is that everyone hates his worthless guts, and no one bought his shitty album. Unfortunately, for everyone after him, that’s not the case.
4. Aaron Carter
Wow, I thought K-Fed back there was the lowest form of human to use celebrity connections to get a gig. I was dead wrong. Thanks to being the less talented brother of talentless hack of the Backstreet Boys Nick Carter, Aaron managed to build a career out of catering to brain-dead kids too fucking stupid to change the channel when his music videos came on.
He actually managed to be worse than his brother. Songs such as “Leave it to Me” and “How I Beat Shaq” are Jonas Brothers’ bad. Even looking at his picture makes me physically cringe like no one else on this list.
The worst part about Aaron Carter is that his single “Aaron’s Party (Come and Get It)” made him the youngest male Top 40 entry in our nation’s history. Even the fact that that was his only Top 40 single is barely encouraging news when you consider that his greatest hits album not only exists, but is entitled Aaron Carter’s Most Requested Hits. No one has or could put it better than Cracked’s Adam Brown:
“Look at the album cover; even he looks a bit surprised. Most requested hits? Requested by who? This implies that there were studies done, numbers crunched and songs eliminated because, compared to “My Shorty,” they just couldn’t justify including them due to their less than impressive request history. We call bullshit. We want to see the numbers. A Freedom of Information Act request is pending.”
I wish I wrote that myself.
3. Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana
Jesus Christ, someone used their celebrity connections in an even lower way than Aaron fucking Carter! Born to Billy Ray Cyrus, whose “Achy Breaky Heart” alone already puts him lower than even Aaron Carter, that lineage should have made it so Miley Cyrus would be banned for life for coming within miles of a music producer. Billy Ray somehow got it so his even less talented daughter got a career. And today, she put out two albums, movies, $25 million earned a year, and even a fucking T.V. show.
She’s had an album released as both herself and Hanna Montana, and unlike Carter, both albums debuted at number one on the Billboard 100! In America, that gives her an honor held by Michael Jackson, Metallica, The Beatles, and even Pink Floyd! How could we allow that to happen? Can little girls really be allowed to have that much spending power? I want any parent who reads this to eliminate the allowance of any child they have if they use it to buy a Miley Cyrus album, and then send them to military school, and encourage them to spend money on wiser things, like cigarettes or crank.
But the worst part is, if those topless photos are any indication, she’s trying to capitalize on her non-existent sex appeal. She wants to be the next Britney Spears. Well I’m not about to let this woman cover “Satisfaction”! We must destroy Cyrus, and send her to the Britney route of having her head shaved, and being knocked up by Kevin Federline.
2. The Jonas Brothers
It happened again! Starting off in the dying, tragic genre that is Christian music, The Jonases were recruited by Disney to be on “Hanna Montana” and these three virgin ring douche bags now have the whole world under their thumbs. They released three albums, two of which are Billboard 100 double platinum albums. They have a 3D concert movie, and are going to be in another movie made by those assholes the Farrelly’s called Walter the Farting Dog. And, if the above data is any indication, their next album will probably be another double platinum album.
It would be better if they weren’t everywhere. Back in the 60s, bands like them existed (The Archies, The New Vaudeville Band), but they weren’t taken seriously as rockers, and they didn’t go after it. But these guys are dead serious. They have millions of dollars, T.V. interviews, and are on the cover of Rolling Stone (Apparently, that used to be worth something). They expect to be treated like an actual band, when in reality, they’re a group of lucky studio musicians who, thanks to radio and T.V. being controlled by four companies, have all the clout of an actual band put together by actual musicians.
Their music is terrible. The vocals are nasally and whiny, the music is amateurish, and they’re all even uglier than the current members of The Rolling Stones. Only they can’t match their lack of looks with musicianship. God I despise them.
We have to stop it, fellow Pajibans! We have to get the FCC to break up these corporate monopolies, and replace these radio robots with real fucking DJ’s. Thanks to those assholes, little girls are given the same musical voice as people with actual taste in music. I demand that the trustbusters do their job again!
The words “bland,” “crass,” “tasteless,” and “shitballs retarded” get thrown around Pajiba like a $5 whore, but no one fits these definitions better than motherfucking Nickelback. They possess no musical ability, hammer notes that don’t go together, taint the name of grunge, and Chad Kroeger sings like he has a railroad spike lodged in his brain.
But the worst part about Nickelback is not the douchiness of frontman, and presumably a castoff of amoebic dysentery from Kurt Cobain, Chad Kroeger, or the fact that they’ve sold 15 million records in the U.S. alone, or their Rolling Stone cover, or their endless radio airplay. The worst part about Nickelback is that they’re an actual band. A studio didn’t hire them; they had no famous connections, and lived in Buttfuck, Nowhere, Canada, yet they managed to work their way up to one of the biggest bands in the world.
No one can explain their success, and everyone knows they suck, so why do they have everything? If I could explain that, The Jonas Brothers would top this guide. I can’t explain it. They must be a symptom of our culture’s downfall. A culture that has so little respect for music that they make these douche bags number one.
We’re all fucked, everyone. I hope you enjoy knowing it.
George is an angry, jaded, high schooler who is ashamed of his own generation because of these bands. He hopes he’ll have some good bands in the next decade. At least the past had good stuff, and maybe the present if you look beneath the surface.
Dedicated to fellow lover of rock TK, and his family. We’re all here for you.