Sometimes, big news stories happen in clusters. We’ll hear about several teachers sleeping with students, or multiple unrelated drug freak-out stories. It’s the nature of the news cycle. And, this week, the penis has had its day in the sun (but not too much sun—those things can burn easily).
— A woman is annulling her marriage because her husband’s penis was too big.
The woman’s request for an annulment to her one-week-old marriage sparked laughter in a Zamfara courtroom once she explained her shocking reason, Nigeria’s Tribune reported.
But Aisha Dannupawa, a previously married mother of three, said the matter was anything but funny.
“When he came (over), we had sex but the experience was a nightmare,” she said of her sexual relations with Ali Maizinari. “Instead of enjoying the sex, it turned out to be something else, because his penis was too big.”
Why is that funny? I have a giant 64-ounce water bottle sitting next to me right now. You think I want that inside me? NO I DO NOT.
— A teacher in Dallas got so mad at his sixth grade students he started bragging about his penis size. That’s a weird thing to do.
“Some people’s d—k, they only go that far,” he said, adding improbably “My d—k goes all the way to that fence.”
He promised to show them when students laughed.
“I’m gonna show you what a d—k is,” the teacher said. “I’m gonna d—k your a— over.”
“I’m gonna d—k your a— over?” I know what those dashes are hiding but I don’t understand the statement. Confusing harassment is strange.
It should be noted that teacher has not yet been fired, just placed on leave. He’s likely been asked to stay 60 yards away from the school (50 yards for his penis).
— Some enterprising young gentlemen urinated on a beehive. The bees responded exactly as you might think they would.
— A man in Sydney found a severed penis and brought it to the police station, in case someone turned up to search through their lost and found I suppose.
“It appeared to be some form of tissue matter that could be a penis,” a police spokesperson said
He confirmed the ‘unidentified item’ had been taken to John Hunter Hospital for forensic examination.
“First we have to establish if it is human and if it is obviously the investigation will widen from there.”
— In Florida, because obviously, a man shot his sister in the ass with a BB gun because she made him a penis-shaped cake.
Taft told police he thought it would be funny to shoot his sister with a BB gun as a joke and did not intend to hurt her, according to the report.
The BB was embedded in the victim’s skin and she refused to be transported, saying she would go to a hospital herself, police said.
Don’t shoot people, people. Cake is still delicious whether it’s shaped like a penis or not.
— Huffington Post taught us what happens when a penis gets broken. It’s kind of a lot like what you’d think.
— A man stabbed his mother 11 times and cut off his own penis after taking a drug called “meow meow.”
Charles Mann was 19 when he attacked his mother, Emma Mann, in the kitchen of their home in Haywards Heath, West Sussex, after he binged on mephedrone - also known as meow meow - cannabis and alcohol.
He shouted: “This is the prophecy. I love you, but this is the prophecy,” during the incident.
This is why I don’t listen to prophecies
— And, finally, just days ago, we finally received an answer to the question “what is the normal penis size,” a question literally no one was asking but men because, guys, I cannot stress this enough, the average recipient of this penis does not care that much (with only the most extreme of exceptions—see above), and men who are that focused on size are clearly counting on the size to do the work for them, which it most certainly does not. A dead limp eel is still a dead limp eel no matter how big it is. Trust. Also, I feel like we already knew the answer, just many of you weren’t actually admitting it. So if you were surprised, perhaps relieved by this news, know this: most of your friends have been lying to you this whole time.
Also, a whole lot of money was spent researching something for the sole purpose of making dudes feel better about themselves. MUST BE NICE.
This has been Your Week in Penises. And, yes, it has all been an elaborate excuse to post this clip.