Hey there boys and girls, do you find, when you walk down the street, that people avoid your gaze? Maybe sidle out of your way? Maybe keep on sidlin’ to the other side of the street? Have you noticed that, no matter how earnestly you tell the truth, no one ever believes you? Well, I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but odds are you look like a weasely psychopathic pet killer/sullen sexual predator. It’s not your fault, it’s just your face.
Don’t despair, sneering readers, because we here at Pajiba care about your psychopathic face and have created this “Five Step Program To a Less Weasely You.” We care so much, in fact, that we have spared no expense in hiring renowned, accomplished actors Ryan Phillippe and Jonathan Rhys Meyers to help demonstrate the efficacy of The Program. Watch and learn.
1. Step One: Smile Like You Mean It
No I said, smile, not grimace.
See, Ryan is getting it. He almost looks like he’s not going to sleep with my sister. Almost.
Step Two: Shave That Creepy Sh*t Off Your Face
Step 2a: Never Wear Beads.
Step 2b: Invest In Some Face Wash.
Step Three: Work On Making Eye Contact That Doesn’t Make Me Think You’re Taking My Measurements For A Skin Suit
“Why yes, Ryan, I do exfoliate, why do you a-AAAA GET THE F*CK AWAY.”
Siiiigh, no JRM, no. Let’s try that again.
Step Four: Avoid Smarming All Over Beloved Icons
And Reese Witherspoon.
And Christmas. GET YOUR SLIMY ABS OFF OF CHRISTMAS.
Step Five: Invest In Shirts And Then Button Them
Nothing says trustworthy like acres of pelvic bone.
Ugh, Ryan, that hat?! Are you kidding me with that? You’re out of the program. There’s no helping you.
You too, JRM. Some people just don’t want to be saved. What is this anyway? Some sort of Jareth, the Goblin King pose? You are no, Bowie, sir! You hath not the bulge.
Joanna Robinson is still convinced that “Bend It Like Beckham” is a tragedy about a poor Indian family striving and, ultimately, failing to protect their daughter from a sexual predator. There are some wounds even an Irish accent can’t heal.